The Onion Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan Page 2 of 3 Dude i got to put at least $300 car to get that shitheap running again, or how else am i supposed to deliver pizza? the embattled Doogan said from his livi couch, where he has spent the past two weeks. " There's no way i can afford to do that and ay the back rent I owe, plus three of cable bills and beer money. Plus, I still owe like $100 on the noise-complaint ticket we got om that spring-break party. How am I supposed to pay any of it back if I can't work at Pizza Pete 's? Doogan and supporters of his debt-relief plan are calling for the immediate cancellation of 85 to 100 percent of his incurred det If the guys would forget about the money I owe them, or at least the back rent, I could fix my car and pick up a bunch of shifts, Doogan said. " It's in their best interest. Not only could I stop begging them for rent, but I could also start chipping in for groceries and video games and all that. aid package in the form of a no-interest loan obtained through the Apartmental Monetary Fund, founded by Huygens and epstein in February 2004 at the behest of third-roommate advocacy groups, such as Doogan's buddies Dan"Cosmo" Richards and Douglas " Scooter Cosmo and scooter were all like, 'C'mon, Chad's a good guy, have a heart, Epstein said. " So finally me and Doug were like, ' Okay okay, we 'll float him some cash, but only for a few weeks until he gets his shit together. Well, you can see how great that worked out. Although the donor roommates supplied additional aid in the months that followed the amf placed strict conditions on the loans. These conditions were designed to accomplish three goals: to prevent corruption and misuse of funds to ensure that the monies were spent wisely, and to reduce third- roommate economic isolationism, integrating the debtors personal economy more fully into the interdependent apartmental community and into the living room where we can all enjoy it. It was only fair. While Doogan initially accepted the terms he later issued complaints that the conditions were unnecessarily restrictive. I'm sick of Doug and Jake looking over my shoulder every time i want to rent a dvd or buy a friggin beer, Doogan said. " Look, I'm sorry that I don't have a big allowance from my rich parents like they do. I wouldn't be asking the guys for money if they couldn't afford Huygens and Epstein said Doogan failed to honor the conditions of the "Three days after we gave him this big loan, we came back from a weekend ski p and the whole place was totally trashed, Huygens said. There were beer a friggin here, food and chips and shit all over the floor, and the bathroom wa cans eve The AMF imposed sanctions against Doogan immediately thereafter, refusing additional loans until the environmental damage stopped. But after loans failed to http://www.theonion.com/news/indexphp?issue=4045&n=3 /11/2004"Dude, I got to put at least $300 into my car to get that shitheap running again, or how else am I supposed to deliver pizza?" the embattled Doogan said from his living-room couch, where he has spent the past two weeks. "There's no way I can afford to do that and pay the back rent I owe, plus three months of cable bills and beer money. Plus, I still owe like $100 on the noise-complaint ticket we got from that spring-break party. How am I supposed to pay any of it back if I can't work at Pizza Pete's?" Doogan and supporters of his debt-relief plan are calling for the immediate cancellation of 85 to 100 percent of his incurred debt. "If the guys would forget about the money I owe them, or at least the back rent, I could fix my car and pick up a bunch of shifts," Doogan said. "It's in their best interest. Not only could I stop begging them for rent, but I could also start chipping in for groceries and video games and all that." Huygens and roommate Jake Epstein, 24, said they first provided Doogan with emergency funds last winter, when they granted him an aid package in the form of a no-interest loan obtained through the Apartmental Monetary Fund, founded by Huygens and Epstein in February 2004 at the behest of third-roommate advocacy groups, such as Doogan's buddies Dan "Cosmo" Richards and Douglas "Scooter" Pye. "Cosmo and Scooter were all like, 'C'mon, Chad's a good guy, have a heart,'" Epstein said. "So finally, me and Doug were like, 'Okay, okay, we'll float him some cash, but only for a few weeks until he gets his shit together.' Well, you can see how great that worked out." Although the donor roommates supplied additional aid in the months that followed, the AMF placed strict conditions on the loans. These conditions were designed to accomplish three goals: to prevent corruption and misuse of funds, to ensure that the monies were spent wisely, and to reduce third-roommate economic isolationism, integrating the debtor's personal economy more fully into the interdependent apartmental community. "We only asked for three things, man," Huygens said regarding the structure of the loan. "First, that Chad quit partying so much. Second, that he open a checking account so he can budget his cash. And third, that he bring his kickass stereo system out of his bedroom and into the living room where we can all enjoy it. It was only fair." While Doogan initially accepted the terms, he later issued complaints that the conditions were unnecessarily restrictive. "I'm sick of Doug and Jake looking over my shoulder every time I want to rent a DVD or buy a friggin' beer," Doogan said. "Look, I'm sorry that I don't have a big allowance from my rich parents like they do. I wouldn't be asking the guys for money if they couldn't afford it." Huygens and Epstein said Doogan failed to honor the conditions of the loan. "Three days after we gave him this big loan, we came back from a weekend ski trip and the whole place was totally trashed," Huygens said. "There were beer cans everywhere, food and chips and shit all over the floor, and the bathroom was a friggin' disaster." The AMF imposed sanctions against Doogan immediately thereafter, refusing additional loans until the environmental damage stopped. But after loans failed to The Onion | Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan Page 2 of 3 http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4045&n=3 11/11/2004