838 Journal of Marriage and Family happily married couples and wondered why they, age-group that she considered acceptable for too,could not find a suitable partner. a romantic partner. They also compared themselves to older Respondents were trying new ways to meet women who had not married.Knowing older sin- men and dating a variety of men,some of whom gle women offered comfort and also raised con- they would not have dated when they were youn- cemns.One respondent explained, ger.They were initially resistant to blind dates ar- ranged by friends but,over time,accepted this I am meeting more women that either worked avenue to meet men."I just got set up a few and decided not to get married and didn't meet weeks ago,which is surprising because in my ear- the right person or were more devoted to their lier years,I would have never done that.But at families [of origin].In a way,it makes me feel kind of better about the fact that I'm not married. this point,.I am like‘what do I have to lose?” But at the same time,it is a little sad because I In addition,although most preferred to date can see myself at 60 or 70,how these women are never-married men,they now were open to dating mostly alone or dependent on nieces and neph- divorced men and men with children.Although, ews.So,in a way,it is kind of empowering and, in a way,it is kind of sad. they were reluctant to date men with children because of complications children bring to rela- tionships.Women had dated men with children and would again if the man offered potential. Managing Uncertainty:Trying to Be Unlike when they were in their early 20s,a few Okay in the Gray women dated younger men,and one woman con- Responding to the uncertainty prominent in their sidered dating a man of a lower socioeconomic status than her own. romantic lives,one participant articulated her thoughts: Concem about the passage of time played a dominant role in dating decisions.Compared It is kind of like that unknown phase,you just to when they were younger,they felt increased wish you had the crystal ball,you know if I could pressure to figure out whether men they were see that this is what the end is going to look like, dating had long-term potential.They looked for I would be so much more okay with getting there. characteristics they had in common and for un- I would have all the patience in the world but I just wish I knew. appealing indicators and consequently made quick decisions: Without knowing the direction of their romantic When I do go out,I am real picky.I tend to date lives,women enacted several strategies to man- them a couple of times,and [if]I find something age the uncertainty,including (a)taking control that I don't like or I don't think I will mesh with I don't just drag it out,I am very to the point."I [in areas they can],(b)letting go and/or pushing don't see how this is going to work out."Just move back decisions,and (c)retraining thoughts. on.As I get older I've gotten more like I am not going to waste any more of my time or his time Taking control [in areas they canj.They acknowledged their limited control in finding Expectations and standards for a mate were a suitable mate.One woman said,"I really don't higher than when they were younger.Although feel like I have any control over it [getting mar- this appears to be contradictory given the afore- ried]and it is hard as an independent person that mentioned concerns about the passage of time I am,it is hard to say that I don't have control over and diminishing years to bear children,they that.You have control over so many other things described themselves as becoming more selective except for that."Women were actively searching about prospective mates.Compared to when they for a marital partner,speeding up their searches were in their early 20s,the women were more and the development of romantic relationships, mature,more experienced in dating,and knew and seeking help.Participants went to places that themselves better.They pointed out that,"you had a likelihood of available men (e.g.,bars and don't want to settle,you don't want it not to work restaurants).One woman specifically joined out."Another woman said,"I think that I've just activities to meet men,although this strategy been trained to look at the whole package and I'm was not always fruitful.For example,she told real picky.” us:"I joined a singles golf group but it turned In addition to eliminating men quickly,women out that most of them were over 60!,not the were speeding up the development of relationshipshappily married couples and wondered why they, too, could not find a suitable partner. They also compared themselves to older women who had not married. Knowing older sin￾gle women offered comfort and also raised con￾cerns. One respondent explained, I am meeting more women that either worked and decided not to get married and didn’t meet the right person or were more devoted to their families [of origin]. In a way, it makes me feel kind of better about the fact that I’m not married. But at the same time, it is a little sad because I can see myself at 60 or 70, how these women are mostly alone or dependent on nieces and neph￾ews. So, in a way, it is kind of empowering and, in a way, it is kind of sad. Managing Uncertainty: Trying to Be Okay in the Gray Responding to the uncertainty prominent in their romantic lives, one participant articulated her thoughts: It is kind of like that unknown phase, you just wish you had the crystal ball, you know if I could see that this is what the end is going to look like, I would be so much more okay with getting there. I would have all the patience in the world but I just wish I knew. Without knowing the direction of their romantic lives, women enacted several strategies to man￾age the uncertainty, including (a) taking control [in areas they can], (b) letting go and/or pushing back decisions, and (c) retraining thoughts. Taking control [in areas they can]. They acknowledged their limited control in finding a suitable mate. One woman said, ‘‘I really don’t feel like I have any control over it [getting mar￾ried] and it is hard as an independent person that I am, it is hard to say that I don’t have control over that. You have control over so many other things except for that.’’ Women were actively searching for a marital partner, speeding up their searches and the development of romantic relationships, and seeking help. Participants went to places that had a likelihood of available men (e.g., bars and restaurants). One woman specifically joined activities to meet men, although this strategy was not always fruitful. For example, she told us: ‘‘I joined a singles golf group but it turned out that most of them were over 60!,’’not the age-group that she considered acceptable for a romantic partner. Respondents were trying new ways to meet men and dating a variety of men, some of whom they would not have dated when they were youn￾ger. They were initially resistant to blind dates ar￾ranged by friends but, over time, accepted this avenue to meet men. ‘‘I just got set up a few weeks ago, which is surprising because in my ear￾lier years, I would have never done that. But at this point, I am like ‘what do I have to lose?’’’ In addition, although most preferred to date never-married men, they now were open to dating divorced men and men with children. Although, they were reluctant to date men with children because of complications children bring to rela￾tionships. Women had dated men with children and would again if the man offered potential. Unlike when they were in their early 20s, a few women dated younger men, and one woman con￾sidered dating a man of a lower socioeconomic status than her own. Concern about the passage of time played a dominant role in dating decisions. Compared to when they were younger, they felt increased pressure to figure out whether men they were dating had long-term potential. They looked for characteristics they had in common and for un￾appealing indicators and consequently made quick decisions: When I do go out, I am real picky. I tend to date them a couple of times, and [if] I find something that I don’t like or I don’t think I will mesh with I don’t just drag it out, I am very to the point. ‘‘I don’t see how this is going to work out.’’ Just move on. As I get older I’ve gotten more like I am not going to waste any more of my time or his time. Expectations and standards for a mate were higher than when they were younger. Although this appears to be contradictory given the afore￾mentioned concerns about the passage of time and diminishing years to bear children, they described themselves as becoming more selective about prospective mates. Compared to when they were in their early 20s, the women were more mature, more experienced in dating, and knew themselves better. They pointed out that, ‘‘you don’t want to settle, you don’t want it not to work out.’’ Another woman said, ‘‘I think that I’ve just been trained to look at the whole package and I’m real picky.’’ In addition to eliminating men quickly, women were speeding up the development of relationships 838 Journal of Marriage and Family