Missing the Marital Transition 839 with men in whom they were interested.When ing the time we conducted interviews.One they wanted a future with someone,women woman said. put pressure on themselves and the men to become serious quickly because they wanted to As far as Valentine's day,I've been single for so know where the relationship was going.In many of them,you just treat yourself to some- a few cases,men rushed relationships;this was thing,you surround yourself with friends,and especially likely when they dated older,never- you are just thankful that you didn't end up with that skuzzy guy that it didn't work out that you married men. thought was the love of your life at the time,that As another way to manage,women sought is all you can really do. help by talking to friends and counselors. Friends served as sounding boards and as sour- Women were pushing back decisions.They did ces of comfort,and over half of the women not attach time deadlines for marriage as they sought professional counseling related to their had done when younger.Setting goals for when relational statuses.Women varied in their de- they would marry would bring disappointment. scriptions about the effectiveness of therapy; One woman described her thoughts: overall,though,most suggested that therapy was helpful. I think you are setting yourself up for disappoint- ment,if you focus so much on getting married.If Letting go andlor pushing back decisions. it doesn't happen,I think it would be hard.I don't Another strategy women enacted for managing even want to set myself up for that.When I was uncertainty was to let go,mostly in terms of the young.I had a timeline...I don't do it because you are setting yourself for failure. present time.They were trying not to think about marriage and children,pushing back decisions, Others had set a deadline of age 30 for having contemplating backup plans,and believing that children but extended it because the deadline if it is supposed to happen,it will happen. had passed or was near.In addition,although four Women discussed trying not to think about had purchased a house,women had delayed or marriage and children.They focused on other as- were delaying buying houses because they envi- pects of their lives and stayed busy.One woman sioned buying their first home with a husband, said,"I tend to fill up my time so I don't think about it."Responding to frequent triggering wanting it to be a“family decision.”Part of the process of finding and purchasing a house events(e.g.,friends'weddings or friends'giving was letting go of this expectation that they would birth,holidays),they were,however,forced to buy their first home with a husband.For the think about marriage and children.When such women who already owned their homes,external events occurred,they tried to focus on other factors prompted the decisions (e.g.,inheriting things,such as a friend's happiness when she a house). announced her engagement or pregnancy.Holi- Women contemplated backup plans in case days also served as reminders that their romantic they did not marry.All but one woman who did lives were out of sync with others.In fact.one not already own a house was saving to buy a house woman considers Valentine's Day to be "Singles or condominium.Women also considered adopt- Awareness Day."Another woman explained her ing or bearing a child without a husband.A few thinking related to holidays: decided that they would have a child when they felt ready,whether or not they had a husband. ..the series of holidays that starts on Thanksgiv- ing and Christmas and you get the final "wham- One woman decided that she would prepare to mie"-New Year's.I just think the whole winter adopt a child at age 32.She explained, months with the gray weather and less sun kind of hits you-triple whammie.They should have I realize that all my short-term goals are not those holidays in the summer instead of the winter. reachable because you can't really set them It just makes you feel left out because these holi- because you don't have control ..Something that days center around couples,not really friends.It is gives me a little bit of comfort is the adoption at not about showing you care for your friends,it is all about showing you care to your spouse so if age 32.That is a long-term goal but it is also you don't have a spouse,you kind of feel left out. a back-up plan because if I meet someone and get married,I'd like to have children of my own...It [adoption]is still a long-term goal regardless of For holidays,women consciously planned the whether I am married or not,but [it is]a back-up day ahead of time.Valentine's Day occurred dur- plan if I don't get married.with men in whom they were interested. When they wanted a future with someone, women put pressure on themselves and the men to become serious quickly because they wanted to know where the relationship was going. In a few cases, men rushed relationships; this was especially likely when they dated older, never￾married men. As another way to manage, women sought help by talking to friends and counselors. Friends served as sounding boards and as sour￾ces of comfort, and over half of the women sought professional counseling related to their relational statuses. Women varied in their de￾scriptions about the effectiveness of therapy; overall, though, most suggested that therapy was helpful. Letting go and/or pushing back decisions. Another strategy women enacted for managing uncertainty was to let go, mostly in terms of the present time. They were trying not to think about marriage and children, pushing back decisions, contemplating backup plans, and believing that if it is supposed to happen, it will happen. Women discussed trying not to think about marriage and children. They focused on other as￾pects of their lives and stayed busy. One woman said, ‘‘I tend to fill up my time so I don’t think about it.’’ Responding to frequent triggering events (e.g., friends’ weddings or friends’ giving birth, holidays), they were, however, forced to think about marriage and children. When such events occurred, they tried to focus on other things, such as a friend’s happiness when she announced her engagement or pregnancy. Holi￾days also served as reminders that their romantic lives were out of sync with others. In fact, one woman considers Valentine’s Day to be ‘‘Singles Awareness Day.’’ Another woman explained her thinking related to holidays: .the series of holidays that starts on Thanksgiv￾ing and Christmas and you get the final ‘‘wham￾mie’’—New Year’s. I just think the whole winter months with the gray weather and less sun kind of hits you—triple whammie. They should have those holidays in the summer instead of the winter. It just makes you feel left out because these holi￾days center around couples, not really friends. It is not about showing you care for your friends, it is all about showing you care to your spouse so if you don’t have a spouse, you kind of feel left out. For holidays, women consciously planned the day ahead of time. Valentine’s Day occurred dur￾ing the time we conducted interviews. One woman said, As far as Valentine’s day, I’ve been single for so many of them, you just treat yourself to some￾thing, you surround yourself with friends, and you are just thankful that you didn’t end up with that skuzzy guy that it didn’t work out that you thought was the love of your life at the time, that is all you can really do. Women were pushing back decisions. They did not attach time deadlines for marriage as they had done when younger. Setting goals for when they would marry would bring disappointment. One woman described her thoughts: I think you are setting yourself up for disappoint￾ment, if you focus so much on getting married. If it doesn’t happen, I think it would be hard. I don’t even want to set myself up for that. When I was young, I had a timeline . I don’t do it because you are setting yourself for failure. Others had set a deadline of age 30 for having children but extended it because the deadline had passed or was near. In addition, although four had purchased a house, women had delayed or were delaying buying houses because they envi￾sioned buying their first home with a husband, wanting it to be a ‘‘family decision.’’ Part of the process of finding and purchasing a house was letting go of this expectation that they would buy their first home with a husband. For the women who already owned their homes, external factors prompted the decisions (e.g., inheriting a house). Women contemplated backup plans in case they did not marry. All but one woman who did not already own a house was saving to buy a house or condominium. Women also considered adopt￾ing or bearing a child without a husband. A few decided that they would have a child when they felt ready, whether or not they had a husband. One woman decided that she would prepare to adopt a child at age 32. She explained, I realize that all my short-term goals are not reachable because you can’t really set them because you don’t have control . Something that gives me a little bit of comfort is the adoption at age 32. That is a long-term goal but it is also a back-up plan because if I meet someone and get married, I’d like to have children of my own . It [adoption] is still a long-term goal regardless of whether I am married or not, but [it is] a back-up plan if I don’t get married. Missing the Marital Transition 839