《性别、亲密关系与社会》课程教学资源（单身Singlehood）Living in the Gray：Women’s Experiences of Missing the Marital Transition

ELIZABETH A.SHARP Texas Tech University LAWRENCE GANONG University of Missouri-Columbia* Living in the Gray:Women's Experiences of Missing the Marital Transition Given the increasing trend of women delaying in the United States,and the timing of marriage (or forgoing)marriage and the minimal schol- has pronounced importance for women because arship on women's refections of their life of limited childbearing years and the value of course trajectories,the purpose of the study marriage for their identities (Baber Allen, was to examine the lived experience of White, 1992). college-educated women aged 28-34 years The purpose of this study was to explore what who have not married.Using descriptive phe- it is like to be a woman in her late 20s or early 30s nomenology methodology,32 interviews were who has never married.We employed descriptive conducted with 10 never-married women.Results phenomenology methodology because the goal suggested that their experiences were marked by of this qualitative approach is to describe and uncertainty.The women were intensely reflecting clarify the essential structure of an experience on their life pathways,evaluating themselves, through individuals'in-depth reflections(Porter, and enacting strategies to manage the pervasive 1998).We applied principles of the life course uncertainty they felt.Implications about life perspective to frame the current investigation. course expectations and decisions,coping strate- The life course framework attends to the develop- gies,and experiences of "missed'transitions ment of life pathways,focusing on transitions and related consequences are discussed. among individuals'age-differentiated social and family roles in the context of changing histor- ical circumstances (Elder,1998).Two tenets Across time and cultures,meanings have been assigned to chronological age.The social especially germane to this issue are historical construction of age influences the timing of life time and timing in lives. transitions,having far-reaching consequences for individuals'expectations and behaviors throughout their lives (Elder,1998).Marriage Historical Time and Individual Experiences is a particularly salient age-graded life transition The principle of historical time suggests that life trajectories are influenced by the historical period Human Development Family Studies,Texas Tech Uni- during which they occur (Elder,1998).Many versity.Box 41162,Lubbock,TX 79409(elizabeth.sharp@ social,economic,and cultural conditions poten- ttu.edu). tially influence the cohort of never-married *Sinclair School of Nursing and Department of Human women who are now in their late 20s and early Development and Family Studies.University of Missouri- 30s (Smock,2004).Predominant factors have Columbia,314 Gentry Hall,Columbia,MO 65211. been cited by family scholars as either a cause Key Words:life course,life transitions,never married, or a consequence of a retreat from marriage: phenomenology. women's increasing economic independence, Journal of Marriage and Family 69(August 2007):831-844 831

ELIZABETH A. SHARP Texas Tech University LAWRENCE GANONG University of Missouri—Columbia* Living in the Gray: Women’s Experiences of Missing the Marital Transition Given the increasing trend of women delaying (or forgoing) marriage and the minimal schol￾arship on women’s reflections of their life course trajectories, the purpose of the study was to examine the lived experience of White, college-educated women aged 28 – 34 years who have not married. Using descriptive phe￾nomenology methodology, 32 interviews were conducted with 10 never-married women. Results suggested that their experiences were marked by uncertainty. The women were intensely reflecting on their life pathways, evaluating themselves, and enacting strategies to manage the pervasive uncertainty they felt. Implications about life course expectations and decisions, coping strate￾gies, and experiences of ‘‘missed’’ transitions and related consequences are discussed. Across time and cultures, meanings have been assigned to chronological age. The social construction of age influences the timing of life transitions, having far-reaching consequences for individuals’ expectations and behaviors throughout their lives (Elder, 1998). Marriage is a particularly salient age-graded life transition in the United States, and the timing of marriage has pronounced importance for women because of limited childbearing years and the value of marriage for their identities (Baber & Allen, 1992). The purpose of this study was to explore what it is like to be a woman in her late 20s or early 30s who has never married. We employed descriptive phenomenology methodology because the goal of this qualitative approach is to describe and clarify the essential structure of an experience through individuals’ in-depth reflections (Porter, 1998). We applied principles of the life course perspective to frame the current investigation. The life course framework attends to the develop￾ment of life pathways, focusing on transitions among individuals’ age-differentiated social and family roles in the context of changing histor￾ical circumstances (Elder, 1998). Two tenets especially germane to this issue are historical time and timing in lives. Historical Time and Individual Experiences The principle of historical time suggests that life trajectories are influenced by the historical period during which they occur (Elder, 1998). Many social, economic, and cultural conditions poten￾tially influence the cohort of never-married women who are now in their late 20s and early 30s (Smock, 2004). Predominant factors have been cited by family scholars as either a cause or a consequence of a retreat from marriage: women’s increasing economic independence, Human Development & Family Studies, Texas Tech Uni￾versity, Box 41162, Lubbock, TX 79409 (elizabeth.sharp@ ttu.edu). *Sinclair School of Nursing and Department of Human Development and Family Studies, University of Missouri— Columbia, 314 Gentry Hall, Columbia, MO 65211. Key Words: life course, life transitions, never married, phenomenology. Journal of Marriage and Family 69 (August 2007): 831–844 831

832 Journal of Marriage and Family the rise in divorce and cohabitation,individual- (U.S.Census Bureau,Statistical Abstract of the ism,and an increasing disconnection between United States,2005). childbearing and marriage (Smock).Taken One reason for this valued status is because together,these factors have been described as marriage is closely tied to women's identities. contributing to the deinstitutionalization of mar- Feminists contend that the construction of gender riage in Western cultures(Cherlin,2004). is one of the strongest influences throughout Women who are the focus of this investigation women's life courses (e.g.,Baber Allen, were born during the late 1960s and the early-to 1992),and a powerful way gender is manifested late 1970s,decades in which the median age at is through the institution of marriage.Gender first marriage for women increased gradually.In socialization processes encourage women to 1980,the median age at marriage was 22 years; view relationships as primary,so accordingly, in 1999,it was 25.1 years;and in 2004,the marriage has been and remains strongly con- median age for women was 25.4 years,the oldest nected to women's sense of self(Coontz,2004). in U.S.history (U.S.Census Bureau,Statistical Marriage has become an important source for Abstract of the United States,2005).Since the emotional and personal fulfillment (Cherlin, 1970s,women's family formation patterns have 2004;Smock,2004).If anything,the value of changed considerably.Compared to earlier co- marriage to individuals has appeared to have horts,more women married later or did not marry increased during the same historical time period at all,bore children outside of marriage,and co- that myriad social,economic,and cultural condi- habited.Largely as a result of delayed marital tions seem to serve as disincentives to marriage. entry,increasing proportions of women are sin- Most never-married women want to marry gle,with 41%of women aged 25-29 years (Bock.2000:Frazier.Arikian.Benson.Losoff. and 24%of women aged 30-34 years being Maurer,1996;Fuller,2001).In short,expect- never married (U.S.Census Bureau,Statistical ations regarding the benefits of marriage for in- Abstract of the United States). dividuals have been as great or greater during Many scholars assert that women are opt- the lives of the young women who were the ing either to marry later or to forgo marriage focus of this study as they were in the lives of because of increased economic independence previous cohorts born in the 20th century. (e.g.,Coontz,2004;Gaughan,2002).Given that more women are employed for wages than in the past,it is thought that they have less economic Timing in Lives incentive to marry.Indeed,the women most The social-historical context influences the selec- likely to delay marriage are highly educated,pro- tion and pursuit of goals,such as getting married fessional women(Gaughan).There is some evi- and the timing of when such achievements dence,however,that economic independence is should happen.The life course principle of tim- not an adequate explanation for delayed marriage ing in lives considers that the "developmental (Smock,2004). impact of a succession of life transitions or Coinciding with the growing economic inde- events is contingent on when they occur in a per- pendence of women,there has been an increase son's life"(Elder,1998,p.3).The age when in the number of unmarried couples living individuals experience transitions is likely to together;cohabitation increased 10-fold between affect how they behave,think,and feel (Setters- 1990 and 2000 (U.S.Census Bureau,Statistical ten,1997).For instance,transitions occurring Abstract of the United States,2005).Compared within the normative timeline are accompanied to earlier generations,cohorts of young adults gen- by informal social support and institutionalized erally have been freer to make cohabitation an support,thus promoting successful adaptations acceptable part of the courtship process for mar- to the transitions.Moreover,normative age- riage or an alternative to marriage (Seltzer,2004). related expectations are thought to be powerful Despite the changes in family formation pat- determinants of how individuals perceive and temns in recent decades,ideologies promoting evaluate themselves and others(Elder).Alterna- marriage and motherhood as ideal family config- tively,off-time transitions are linked to in- urations for women remain pervasive and power- creased stress and greater difficulty than on-time ful (Coontz,2004).Being married is a goal for transitions (Settersten Hagestad,1996a). most young women (Thornton Young- Researchers have generally focused on how in- DeMarco,2001),and most Americans marry dividuals think about general cultural timetables

the rise in divorce and cohabitation, individual￾ism, and an increasing disconnection between childbearing and marriage (Smock). Taken together, these factors have been described as contributing to the deinstitutionalization of mar￾riage in Western cultures (Cherlin, 2004). Women who are the focus of this investigation were born during the late 1960s and the early- to late 1970s, decades in which the median age at first marriage for women increased gradually. In 1980, the median age at marriage was 22 years; in 1999, it was 25.1 years; and in 2004, the median age for women was 25.4 years, the oldest in U.S. history (U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States, 2005). Since the 1970s, women’s family formation patterns have changed considerably. Compared to earlier co￾horts, more women married later or did not marry at all, bore children outside of marriage, and co￾habited. Largely as a result of delayed marital entry, increasing proportions of women are sin￾gle, with 41% of women aged 25 – 29 years and 24% of women aged 30 – 34 years being never married (U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States). Many scholars assert that women are opt￾ing either to marry later or to forgo marriage because of increased economic independence (e.g., Coontz, 2004; Gaughan, 2002). Given that more women are employed for wages than in the past, it is thought that they have less economic incentive to marry. Indeed, the women most likely to delay marriage are highly educated, pro￾fessional women (Gaughan). There is some evi￾dence, however, that economic independence is not an adequate explanation for delayed marriage (Smock, 2004). Coinciding with the growing economic inde￾pendence of women, there has been an increase in the number of unmarried couples living together; cohabitation increased 10-fold between 1990 and 2000 (U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States, 2005). Compared to earlier generations, cohorts of young adults gen￾erally have been freer to make cohabitation an acceptable part of the courtship process for mar￾riage or an alternative to marriage (Seltzer, 2004). Despite the changes in family formation pat￾terns in recent decades, ideologies promoting marriage and motherhood as ideal family config￾urations for women remain pervasive and power￾ful (Coontz, 2004). Being married is a goal for most young women (Thornton & Young￾DeMarco, 2001), and most Americans marry (U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States, 2005). One reason for this valued status is because marriage is closely tied to women’s identities. Feminists contend that the construction of gender is one of the strongest influences throughout women’s life courses (e.g., Baber & Allen, 1992), and a powerful way gender is manifested is through the institution of marriage. Gender socialization processes encourage women to view relationships as primary, so accordingly, marriage has been and remains strongly con￾nected to women’s sense of self (Coontz, 2004). Marriage has become an important source for emotional and personal fulfillment (Cherlin, 2004; Smock, 2004). If anything, the value of marriage to individuals has appeared to have increased during the same historical time period that myriad social, economic, and cultural condi￾tions seem to serve as disincentives to marriage. Most never-married women want to marry (Bock, 2000; Frazier, Arikian, Benson, Losoff, & Maurer, 1996; Fuller, 2001). In short, expect￾ations regarding the benefits of marriage for in￾dividuals have been as great or greater during the lives of the young women who were the focus of this study as they were in the lives of previous cohorts born in the 20th century. Timing in Lives The social-historical context influences the selec￾tion and pursuit of goals, such as getting married and the timing of when such achievements should happen. The life course principle of tim￾ing in lives considers that the ‘‘developmental impact of a succession of life transitions or events is contingent on when they occur in a per￾son’s life’’ (Elder, 1998, p. 3). The age when individuals experience transitions is likely to affect how they behave, think, and feel (Setters￾ten, 1997). For instance, transitions occurring within the normative timeline are accompanied by informal social support and institutionalized support, thus promoting successful adaptations to the transitions. Moreover, normative age￾related expectations are thought to be powerful determinants of how individuals perceive and evaluate themselves and others (Elder). Alterna￾tively, off-time transitions are linked to in￾creased stress and greater difficulty than on-time transitions (Settersten & Hagestad, 1996a). Researchers have generally focused on how in￾dividuals think about general cultural timetables 832 Journal of Marriage and Family

Missing the Marital Transition 833 for when transitions should occur and have con- Expectations about marital timing among cluded that cultural timetables are fexible women are likely to be tied closely to expecta- (Settersten,1997)and that late entry into family tions about the timing of childbearing(Ferguson, transitions has been perceived as generally 2000).Most middle-class women expect to marry acceptable (Settersten Hagestad,1996a).In before they bear children,but as they age and time addition,people do not think that there are serious for childbearing becomes shorter,some women negative consequences for those who experi- reconsider such expectations (Lewis Moon, enced family transitions later than normatively 1997).Even women who opted to have children expected(Settersten Hagestad).It is not clear without a husband hoped to marry eventually if there are sanctions for missing a family transi- (Bock.2000). tion altogether,however. In general,researchers have found that women The few researchers who have asked never- over age 35 were not as likely to expect to marry married women about negative consequences as were women younger than 35 years(Ferguson. related to missing the transition to marriage found 2000;Tucker Mitchell-Kernan,1998).Single that they felt stigmatized (e.g.,Fuller,2001; women in Dalton's (1992)sample,who ranged Lewis Moon,1997)and uncomfortable in so- in age from 32 to 54 years,had expected to be cial settings because they did not fit into a couple- married when they were younger;most reported oriented culture(Chasteen,1994).Some negative feeling desperate about being single when they social consequences may be manifested in intra- were younger,but over time they altered personal ways;never-married women have their expectations and "learned to respect and described themselves missing the connectedness value themselves as single women"(p.74).It that they believe marriage might offer(Bock, could be that lowered expectations for marriage 2000;Lewis Moon),feeling loss and grief as women age reflect their realistic assessment (Fuller),feeling a sense of "rootlessness" of their decreased likelihood to marry.As women (Dalton,1992,p.76),and feeling intense distress age,the number of available mates decreases about being single (Cole,1999).In the case of (Cherlin,1992).Alternatively,it could be that “missing”the marital transition,.women may as women age,marriage becomes less desirable be likely to experience uncertainty about their because it compromises freedom(South,1993), futures,challenging their movement toward they become more comfortable with being single achieving life goals (Fuller). (Ferguson),and their attention turns to careers or There may be personal benefits as well as costs community (O'Brien,1991). to never marrying,however.In earlier studies, never-married women reported that they enjoyed Choosing to remain single.The issue of choos- their independence (Bock,2000;Lewis Moon, ing not to marry is complex.Researchers have re- 1997;Siegel,1995),were content(Fuller,2001), ported that the majority of women who never and had healthy self-images and fulfilling lives married considered themselves single by choice (Cole,1999).Never-married women have per- because they had not met anyone they wanted ceived personal growth to be a benefit of never to marry (e.g.,Dalton,1992;Fuller,2001;Lewis having married (Dalton,1992:Fuller). &Moon,1997).Other women“floated into” (Gordon,1994,p.54)singlehood on the basis Missing the transition.Despite the growing pro- of decisions they made when younger or because portions of women marrying later,never-married circumstances had not led to marriage.Reflecting women in their late 20s and early 30s are out of on their lives in late adulthood,never-married sync with their peers because most of their peers women in O'Brien's(1991)sample had not con- have married.It would be slightly misleading to sciously decided to avoid marriage;they "let consider these never-married women as off-time nature take its course"(p.310). because off-time refers to individuals who Young adults are living through a period of actually experienced the transition of interest time in which women have increased opportuni- but did so earlier or later than the majority of ties for and choices about how to structure their their peers (Elder,1998).Because these women life courses,and yet traditional notions encourag- are in their late 20s and early 30s,they may be ing marriage,motherhood,and sequencing mar- said to have“missed”the marital transition. riage before motherhood remain strong and Having missed the transition is ambiguous, pervasive.Such conditions are argued to be however,because they may yet marry off-time. related to the paradoxical modernity of the life

for when transitions should occur and have con￾cluded that cultural timetables are flexible (Settersten, 1997) and that late entry into family transitions has been perceived as generally acceptable (Settersten & Hagestad, 1996a). In addition, people do not think that there are serious negative consequences for those who experi￾enced family transitions later than normatively expected (Settersten & Hagestad). It is not clear if there are sanctions for missing a family transi￾tion altogether, however. The few researchers who have asked never￾married women about negative consequences related to missing the transition to marriage found that they felt stigmatized (e.g., Fuller, 2001; Lewis & Moon, 1997) and uncomfortable in so￾cial settings because they did not fit into a couple￾oriented culture (Chasteen, 1994). Some negative social consequences may be manifested in intra￾personal ways; never-married women have described themselves missing the connectedness that they believe marriage might offer (Bock, 2000; Lewis & Moon), feeling loss and grief (Fuller), feeling a sense of ‘‘rootlessness’’ (Dalton, 1992, p. 76), and feeling intense distress about being single (Cole, 1999). In the case of ‘‘missing’’ the marital transition, women may be likely to experience uncertainty about their futures, challenging their movement toward achieving life goals (Fuller). There may be personal benefits as well as costs to never marrying, however. In earlier studies, never-married women reported that they enjoyed their independence (Bock, 2000; Lewis & Moon, 1997; Siegel, 1995), were content (Fuller, 2001), and had healthy self-images and fulfilling lives (Cole, 1999). Never-married women have per￾ceived personal growth to be a benefit of never having married (Dalton, 1992; Fuller). Missing the transition. Despite the growing pro￾portions of women marrying later, never-married women in their late 20s and early 30s are out of sync with their peers because most of their peers have married. It would be slightly misleading to consider these never-married women as off-time because off-time refers to individuals who actually experienced the transition of interest but did so earlier or later than the majority of their peers (Elder, 1998). Because these women are in their late 20s and early 30s, they may be said to have ‘‘missed’’ the marital transition. Having missed the transition is ambiguous, however, because they may yet marry off-time. Expectations about marital timing among women are likely to be tied closely to expecta￾tions about the timing of childbearing (Ferguson, 2000). Most middle-class women expect to marry before they bear children, but as they age and time for childbearing becomes shorter, some women reconsider such expectations (Lewis & Moon, 1997). Even women who opted to have children without a husband hoped to marry eventually (Bock, 2000). In general, researchers have found that women over age 35 were not as likely to expect to marry as were women younger than 35 years (Ferguson, 2000; Tucker & Mitchell-Kernan, 1998). Single women in Dalton’s (1992) sample, who ranged in age from 32 to 54 years, had expected to be married when they were younger; most reported feeling desperate about being single when they were younger, but over time they altered their expectations and ‘‘learned to respect and value themselves as single women’’ (p. 74). It could be that lowered expectations for marriage as women age reflect their realistic assessment of their decreased likelihood to marry. As women age, the number of available mates decreases (Cherlin, 1992). Alternatively, it could be that as women age, marriage becomes less desirable because it compromises freedom (South, 1993), they become more comfortable with being single (Ferguson), and their attention turns to careers or community (O’Brien, 1991). Choosing to remain single. The issue of choos￾ing not to marry is complex. Researchers have re￾ported that the majority of women who never married considered themselves single by choice because they had not met anyone they wanted to marry (e.g., Dalton, 1992; Fuller, 2001; Lewis & Moon, 1997). Other women ‘‘floated into’’ (Gordon, 1994, p. 54) singlehood on the basis of decisions they made when younger or because circumstances had not led to marriage. Reflecting on their lives in late adulthood, never-married women in O’Brien’s (1991) sample had not con￾sciously decided to avoid marriage; they ‘‘let nature take its course’’ (p. 310). Young adults are living through a period of time in which women have increased opportuni￾ties for and choices about how to structure their life courses, and yet traditional notions encourag￾ing marriage, motherhood, and sequencing mar￾riage before motherhood remain strong and pervasive. Such conditions are argued to be related to the paradoxical modernity of the life Missing the Marital Transition 833

834 Journal of Marriage and Family course,whereby both standardization and vari- out the essence of the phenomenon of interest. ability are encouraged (Shanahan,2000).Re- variability of experiences exists,and in analyzing searchers have devoted considerably more and presenting findings,we draw attention to nu- attention to macrolevel trends than microlevel de- ances among the women's descriptions. scriptions of women's family formation patterns (e.g.,Elder,1998;Smock,2004).Consequently, scholars have called for studies to explore women's Sampling subjective lives,particularly studies examining Purposeful sampling was used to recruit partici- how women experience normative assumptions pants (Porter,1998).Because the goal of descrip- of marriage and motherhood in light of recent tive phenomenology is to describe the common social-historical trends (Allen,1989;Tucker, features of participants'experiences,participants 2000). must share a restricted range of demographic Prior research investigating women's subjec- characteristics (Porter).For that reason.we tive experiences about missing the marital transi- applied inclusion criteria guided by prior re- tion have focused on older women who have search.The sample was restricted to childless het- come to grips with the issue (e.g.,Allen,1989; erosexual White women aged 28-34 years,who Davies,2003;Ferguson,2000;O'Brien,1991), held a bachelor's degree and who were not cur- the timing of childbearing (e.g.,Bock,2000; rently cohabiting with a romantic partner.Child- Siegel,1995),or other aspects of women's expe- less women were selected because a growing riences (e.g.,Aronson,1999;Chasteen,1994). number of white,middle-class,never-married The focus of the present investigation is the lived women aged 28-34 years are childless (U.S. experiences of White,college-educated women Census Bureau,Statistical Abstract of the United who are just past the normative age for marriage, States,2005)and because the experiences of who so far have missed the transition to marriage. unmarried mothers were likely to differ from Such women,arguably,are in an economic posi- those of childless unmarried women.Heterosex- tion not to need marriage and are living during ual women were selected because marriage is not a critical historical juncture whereby the central- legally available to lesbians in most states and ity of marriage is being questioned and an indi- their life course expectations would be different vidualized life course is more acceptable.Given from those of heterosexual women in regard to the growing number of women delaying mar- missing the transition to marriage.The age range riage,the potential intrapersonal effects of miss- was chosen because 28 years has been considered ing the marital transition,and the limited by some developmental scholars to be the transi- scholarly attention to women's subjective experi- tion point into early adulthood (Levinson,1996) ences,understanding the lives of young,never- and is 2.5 years older than the median age of mar- married women is a topic of critical importance. riage in 2004 (U.S.Census Bureau,Statistical In addition,we employ a well-defined qualitative Abstract of the United States),and 34 years was method,descriptive phenomenology,which selected as the upper age limit because the likeli- rarely has been utilized in family scholarship. hood to marry decreases considerably after that We argue that descriptive phenomenology al- age (U.S.Census Bureau,Statistical Abstract of lowed us to capture a more complex understand- the United States).We held education constant ing of the experience than previous researchers because women's experiences vary depending have illuminated. on the level of education attained (Thornton. Axinn,Teachman,1995).Finally,the sample METHOD was restricted to Whites because previous work has established that life course expectations and The method used was based on Porter's(1998) experiences vary between racial and ethnic groups application of Husserl's(1962/1913)approach (East.1998:Tucker Mitchell-Kernan.1998). to descriptive phenomenology.Consistent with Participants were recruited through e-mail list- Porter's (1998)method,interviews focused on serves,newspaper and radio advertisements,and each participant's experiences,their intentional- fliers placed on public bulletin boards in restau- ity (i.e.,What is the respondent trying to do with rants,coffee shops,schools,and hospitals in this experience?),and the context of the experi- a midsized Midwestern town.The recruitment ence (Schutz Luckmann,1973).Although message read,"Volunteers are needed to partici- a goal of descriptive phenomenology is to draw pate in dissertation research about the issues of

course, whereby both standardization and vari￾ability are encouraged (Shanahan, 2000). Re￾searchers have devoted considerably more attention to macrolevel trends than microlevel de￾scriptions of women’s family formation patterns (e.g., Elder, 1998; Smock, 2004). Consequently, scholars have called for studies to explore women’s subjective lives, particularly studies examining how women experience normative assumptions of marriage and motherhood in light of recent social-historical trends (Allen, 1989; Tucker, 2000). Prior research investigating women’s subjec￾tive experiences about missing the marital transi￾tion have focused on older women who have come to grips with the issue (e.g., Allen, 1989; Davies, 2003; Ferguson, 2000; O’Brien, 1991), the timing of childbearing (e.g., Bock, 2000; Siegel, 1995), or other aspects of women’s expe￾riences (e.g., Aronson, 1999; Chasteen, 1994). The focus of the present investigation is the lived experiences of White, college-educated women who are just past the normative age for marriage, who so far have missed the transition to marriage. Such women, arguably, are in an economic posi￾tion not to need marriage and are living during a critical historical juncture whereby the central￾ity of marriage is being questioned and an indi￾vidualized life course is more acceptable. Given the growing number of women delaying mar￾riage, the potential intrapersonal effects of miss￾ing the marital transition, and the limited scholarly attention to women’s subjective experi￾ences, understanding the lives of young, never￾married women is a topic of critical importance. In addition, we employ a well-defined qualitative method, descriptive phenomenology, which rarely has been utilized in family scholarship. We argue that descriptive phenomenology al￾lowed us to capture a more complex understand￾ing of the experience than previous researchers have illuminated. METHOD The method used was based on Porter’s (1998) application of Husserl’s (1962/1913) approach to descriptive phenomenology. Consistent with Porter’s (1998) method, interviews focused on each participant’s experiences, their intentional￾ity (i.e., What is the respondent trying to do with this experience?), and the context of the experi￾ence (Schutz & Luckmann, 1973). Although a goal of descriptive phenomenology is to draw out the essence of the phenomenon of interest, variability of experiences exists, and in analyzing and presenting findings, we draw attention to nu￾ances among the women’s descriptions. Sampling Purposeful sampling was used to recruit partici￾pants (Porter, 1998). Because the goal of descrip￾tive phenomenology is to describe the common features of participants’ experiences, participants must share a restricted range of demographic characteristics (Porter). For that reason, we applied inclusion criteria guided by prior re￾search. The sample was restricted to childless het￾erosexual White women aged 28 – 34 years, who held a bachelor’s degree and who were not cur￾rently cohabiting with a romantic partner. Child￾less women were selected because a growing number of white, middle-class, never-married women aged 28 – 34 years are childless (U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States, 2005) and because the experiences of unmarried mothers were likely to differ from those of childless unmarried women. Heterosex￾ual women were selected because marriage is not legally available to lesbians in most states and their life course expectations would be different from those of heterosexual women in regard to missing the transition to marriage. The age range was chosen because 28 years has been considered by some developmental scholars to be the transi￾tion point into early adulthood (Levinson, 1996) and is 2.5 years older than the median age of mar￾riage in 2004 (U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States), and 34 years was selected as the upper age limit because the likeli￾hood to marry decreases considerably after that age (U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States). We held education constant because women’s experiences vary depending on the level of education attained (Thornton, Axinn, & Teachman, 1995). Finally, the sample was restricted to Whites because previous work has established that life course expectations and experiences vary between racial and ethnic groups (East, 1998; Tucker & Mitchell-Kernan, 1998). Participants were recruited through e-mail list￾serves, newspaper and radio advertisements, and fliers placed on public bulletin boards in restau￾rants, coffee shops, schools, and hospitals in a midsized Midwestern town. The recruitment message read, ‘‘Volunteers are needed to partici￾pate in dissertation research about the issues of 834 Journal of Marriage and Family

Missing the Marital Transition 835 marriage in single women's lives.The research prior to conducting data collection and analysis will examine the experience of women in their (Porter,1998).The intent of bracketing is to min- late 20s and early 30s who are not married." imize researchers'influence on data collection The criteria for inclusion were listed as well. and interpretation.As researchers set aside con- Snowball sampling also was used to recruit par- ventional knowledge,including theories,empiri- ticipants.Interested women were asked to call cal data,and cultural norms,as well as their own or e-mail the first author to arrange interviews. personal experiences related to the phenomena If an interested individual met all criteria,a pre- of interest,they focus on the participants'experi- liminary interview was scheduled in which the ences (Porter,1998).Bracketing conventional first author went to a mutually agreed-upon loca- knowledge is reflected in the literature review, tion (ensuring privacy)to meet the potential and bracketing of personal experience is evi- respondent,explain the study,and present the denced in other work(Sharp,2003).Bracketing informed consent form. was a continuous process throughout the study. The first author kept an ongoing journal and Participants engaged in several exercises (e.g.,meditation prior to each interview)to ensure that she was A description of the sample appears in Table 1. attending to each participant's refections of her Their occupational positions were wide-ranging experiences.Additionally,throughout the study, as were their salaries.The parents of all but three the second author examined transcripts,raising were in their first marriages,and the divorced pa- questions and offering suggestions about the in- rents had remarried at least once.All but one par- terviewee's probing in response to participants' ticipant had siblings.Three women had been reflections. engaged;five others had seriously considered Interviews lasted between 45 and 90 minutes marrying a romantic partner.Six of the women Every participant was interviewed at least three had previously cohabited with a romantic partner. times,and all the interviews with a participant All participants lived alone except one woman, were conducted within 4 weeks of the initial who lived with her best friend and her best one.Findings were verified during the final inter- friend's husband views with the last three participants.A fourth interview was conducted with two participants Procedure who were especially good informants to further Interviews.The first author conducted all the validate findings. Participants were compensated $10 for each interviews.In accord with descriptive phenome- interview.Interviews occurred where it was most nology method,the researchers'knowledge of convenient for the participants:in respondents the literature and their experiences with the phe- nomena of interest were bracketed (set aside) homes,in a private room at the public library, in an office on a university campus,and at two of the respondents'offices during lunch break and after work. Table 1.Summary of the Description of Participants Semistructured interviews were utilized to encourage informants to speak freely and to min- Age Previous relationship imize the elicitation of the interviewers'precon- (years) Occupation history ceived ideas (Porter,1998).The first question 28 Recreational therapist Engaged 1X was broad,asking respondents to describe what 28 Sales insurance agent Two serious relationships it was like to have never been married at their 28 Administrative assistant Engaged1× age.Asking such a broad question allowed the 29 Nurse Cohabited participants to direct the content of the first inter- 31 Health education Serious relationship 1X view.The first author focused on eliciting further specialist description by probing.Probes included asking 32 Child-care instructor Cohabited 1X them to“tell me more'”about something that 32 Unemployed Cohabited1× was said or what they did when a particular event 32 occurred or to"describe"what something meant. Accountant Cohabited 1X 34 Engineer Engaged1× Participants were encouraged to focus thought- 34 Engineer No serious relationship fully on the experiences they were describing. As the interview proceeded,if participants did

marriage in single women’s lives. The research will examine the experience of women in their late 20s and early 30s who are not married.’’ The criteria for inclusion were listed as well. Snowball sampling also was used to recruit par￾ticipants. Interested women were asked to call or e-mail the first author to arrange interviews. If an interested individual met all criteria, a pre￾liminary interview was scheduled in which the first author went to a mutually agreed-upon loca￾tion (ensuring privacy) to meet the potential respondent, explain the study, and present the informed consent form. Participants A description of the sample appears in Table 1. Their occupational positions were wide-ranging as were their salaries. The parents of all but three were in their first marriages, and the divorced pa￾rents had remarried at least once. All but one par￾ticipant had siblings. Three women had been engaged; five others had seriously considered marrying a romantic partner. Six of the women had previously cohabited with a romantic partner. All participants lived alone except one woman, who lived with her best friend and her best friend’s husband. Procedure Interviews. The first author conducted all the interviews. In accord with descriptive phenome￾nology method, the researchers’ knowledge of the literature and their experiences with the phe￾nomena of interest were bracketed (set aside) prior to conducting data collection and analysis (Porter, 1998). The intent of bracketing is to min￾imize researchers’ influence on data collection and interpretation. As researchers set aside con￾ventional knowledge, including theories, empiri￾cal data, and cultural norms, as well as their own personal experiences related to the phenomena of interest, they focus on the participants’ experi￾ences (Porter, 1998). Bracketing conventional knowledge is reflected in the literature review, and bracketing of personal experience is evi￾denced in other work (Sharp, 2003). Bracketing was a continuous process throughout the study. The first author kept an ongoing journal and engaged in several exercises (e.g., meditation prior to each interview) to ensure that she was attending to each participant’s reflections of her experiences. Additionally, throughout the study, the second author examined transcripts, raising questions and offering suggestions about the in￾terviewee’s probing in response to participants’ reflections. Interviews lasted between 45 and 90 minutes. Every participant was interviewed at least three times, and all the interviews with a participant were conducted within 4 weeks of the initial one. Findings were verified during the final inter￾views with the last three participants. A fourth interview was conducted with two participants who were especially good informants to further validate findings. Participants were compensated $10 for each interview. Interviews occurred where it was most convenient for the participants: in respondents’ homes, in a private room at the public library, in an office on a university campus, and at two of the respondents’ offices during lunch break and after work. Semistructured interviews were utilized to encourage informants to speak freely and to min￾imize the elicitation of the interviewers’ precon￾ceived ideas (Porter, 1998). The first question was broad, asking respondents to describe what it was like to have never been married at their age. Asking such a broad question allowed the participants to direct the content of the first inter￾view. The first author focused on eliciting further description by probing. Probes included asking them to ‘‘tell me more’’ about something that was said or what they did when a particular event occurred or to ‘‘describe’’ what something meant. Participants were encouraged to focus thought￾fully on the experiences they were describing. As the interview proceeded, if participants did Table 1. Summary of the Description of Participants Age (years) Occupation Previous relationship history 28 Recreational therapist Engaged 13 28 Sales insurance agent Two serious relationships 28 Administrative assistant Engaged 13 29 Nurse Cohabited 31 Health education specialist Serious relationship 13 32 Child-care instructor Cohabited 13 32 Unemployed Cohabited 13 32 Accountant Cohabited 13 34 Engineer Engaged 13 34 Engineer No serious relationship Missing the Marital Transition 835

836 Journal of Marriage and Family not already mention marriage or expectations of nomena are patterns of intentions across inform- marriage,the first author asked participants to ants. Component phenomena emerged from describe their thoughts regarding these issues. analyses by examining similarities and differen- The first author also asked if there was anything ces of intentions across respondents.Finally, unique about being a never-married woman at phenomena,which are the broadest level of their age.Finally,they were asked to describe analysis,represent general patterns among com- their experiences with family and friends.The ponent phenomena.In other words,we looked interview guide is available on request. for relations among patterns across informants Subsequent interviews were conducted to (Porter,1994).Throughout the analysis process, elicit further descriptions of the women's unique we discussed intentions and emerging phenom- experiences;the purpose of these interviews was ena with each other and with colleagues. to help them further sharpen the descriptions of their experiences.This procedure is common in phenomenological research (Redden-Reitz. 1999).The first question in the second and third RESULTS interviews was "Has anything changed since Uncertainty characterized the experiences of the we last spoke?"Several women said that they never-married women in our sample.As we delin- had continued to think about issues between in eate the findings,we illuminate respondents'voi- terviews.Some women began subsequent inter- ces.In addition to using participants'lengthy views by sharing thoughts that had arisen responses,when possible,we denoted their word between interviews.The second and third inter- choices by enclosing single words or brief phrases views were tailored for each participant,as the in quotation marks.One woman articulated her data from the previous interview(s)had been experience of being never married as "living in transcribed and analyzed. the gray”-that is,being“in the middle”or Data Analysis Like all or nothing.it is either-you assume it [your life]is either going to be great or horrible. Interviews were transcribed verbatim by the first You just have to get better at accepting the fact that you don't know,it is probably somewhere in author and checked for accuracy.Data analysis between and you are just going to have to wait began after the first interview.Each idea was and see. considered a data analysis unit (Porter,1994). Transcripts were read and coded broadly by dis- Within the state of uncertainty,the overriding tinguishing among irrelevant data,life-world phenomenon of respondents'experiences was context,and lived experience.Irrelevant data "going back and forth."They wavered as they not germane to the experience of interest were were figuring out their lives and trying to be okay not included in the analysis.Life-world context “in the gray.”They engaged in introspection, included data about respondents'social environ- particularly examining the timing of their life ment and was not included in the present analysis. events.They fluctuated in their evaluations of Data about the lived experience of never having their life pathways,sometimes knowing that they been married included how the respondent made were on the path they were supposed to be on, sense of her experiences,including her thoughts, and,at other times,worrying that something actions,and intentions.For example,"I think was wrong with them.They grappled with inter- something is wrong with me"was considered nal and external messages about socially sanc- lived experience data. tioned timing of marriage and children. Lived experience data were grouped into three levels:intentions,component phenomena,and phenomena (Porter,1994).Intentions are the Figuring Out Their Lives:Reflecting on Life Pathways ways in which respondents understand and shape their experiences.Researchers intuit inten- Women reflected intently on their life courses.They tions by simultaneously describing,comparing, described doing the math,questioning the direction distinguishing,and inferring from data(Husserl, of their lives,and comparing to others.A consider- 1962/1913).Specifically,data were analyzed by able source of tension was related to the timing of continually asking,"What is the woman trying having biological children;they described "doing to do with this experience?"Component phe- the math,"calculating the perceived time available

not already mention marriage or expectations of marriage, the first author asked participants to describe their thoughts regarding these issues. The first author also asked if there was anything unique about being a never-married woman at their age. Finally, they were asked to describe their experiences with family and friends. The interview guide is available on request. Subsequent interviews were conducted to elicit further descriptions of the women’s unique experiences; the purpose of these interviews was to help them further sharpen the descriptions of their experiences. This procedure is common in phenomenological research (Redden-Reitz, 1999). The first question in the second and third interviews was ‘‘Has anything changed since we last spoke?’’ Several women said that they had continued to think about issues between in￾terviews. Some women began subsequent inter￾views by sharing thoughts that had arisen between interviews. The second and third inter￾views were tailored for each participant, as the data from the previous interview(s) had been transcribed and analyzed. Data Analysis Interviews were transcribed verbatim by the first author and checked for accuracy. Data analysis began after the first interview. Each idea was considered a data analysis unit (Porter, 1994). Transcripts were read and coded broadly by dis￾tinguishing among irrelevant data, life-world context, and lived experience. Irrelevant data not germane to the experience of interest were not included in the analysis. Life-world context included data about respondents’ social environ￾ment and was not included in the present analysis. Data about the lived experience of never having been married included how the respondent made sense of her experiences, including her thoughts, actions, and intentions. For example, ‘‘I think something is wrong with me’’ was considered lived experience data. Lived experience data were grouped into three levels: intentions, component phenomena, and phenomena (Porter, 1994). Intentions are the ways in which respondents understand and shape their experiences. Researchers intuit inten￾tions by simultaneously describing, comparing, distinguishing, and inferring from data (Husserl, 1962/1913). Specifically, data were analyzed by continually asking, ‘‘What is the woman trying to do with this experience?’’ Component phe￾nomena are patterns of intentions across inform￾ants. Component phenomena emerged from analyses by examining similarities and differen￾ces of intentions across respondents. Finally, phenomena, which are the broadest level of analysis, represent general patterns among com￾ponent phenomena. In other words, we looked for relations among patterns across informants (Porter, 1994). Throughout the analysis process, we discussed intentions and emerging phenom￾ena with each other and with colleagues. RESULTS Uncertainty characterized the experiences of the never-married women in our sample. As we delin￾eate the findings, we illuminate respondents’ voi￾ces. In addition to using participants’ lengthy responses, when possible, we denoted their word choices by enclosing single words or brief phrases in quotation marks. One woman articulated her experience of being never married as ‘‘living in the gray’’—that is, being ‘‘in the middle’’ or Like all or nothing, it is either—you assume it [your life] is either going to be great or horrible. You just have to get better at accepting the fact that you don’t know, it is probably somewhere in between and you are just going to have to wait and see. Within the state of uncertainty, the overriding phenomenon of respondents’ experiences was ‘‘going back and forth.’’ They wavered as they were figuring out their lives and trying to be okay ‘‘in the gray.’’ They engaged in introspection, particularly examining the timing of their life events. They fluctuated in their evaluations of their life pathways, sometimes knowing that they were on the path they were supposed to be on, and, at other times, worrying that something was wrong with them. They grappled with inter￾nal and external messages about socially sanc￾tioned timing of marriage and children. Figuring Out Their Lives: Reflecting on Life Pathways Women reflected intently on their life courses. They described doing the math, questioning the direction of their lives, and comparing to others. A consider￾able source of tension was related to the timing of having biological children; they described ‘‘doing the math,’’ calculating the perceived time available 836 Journal of Marriage and Family

Missing the Marital Transition 837 to marry and bear children before their biological ity of not marrying and questioned the benefits of clocks stopped.They believed that late 30s or early marriage.They did not seem to question their de- 40s would be the latest they could have children but sires for children.Three women stated that as they preferred to have children before then.They they grew older,the importance of children wanted first to get married and then to have chil- superseded a husband.Other women wanted dren.One woman described this: the "package"(i.e.,husband and children),and a few wanted a husband more than children You feel like you kind of got this time frame,it is Women also reflected on the direction of their not set in stone and you don't necessarily say it, careers.Ideas about their future family were but it is kind of always in the back of your mind. a focus in planning their careers.For example. Like if you do the math:I want to get married some of the women selected college majors, and have kids and it is not going to be okay for- ever.It is like this underlying thing that you don't anticipating spouses and children in the future, really express ...but in the back of my mind,I'm and they structured their careers to accommodate thinking,"okay,I'm almost 30 and my eggs are the children they expected to have."There is dying slowly.Am I going be able to have kids if really not any big point in being ambitious at I wait much longer?" work.I'm just kind of like working and getting paid and that's it.I am just assuming that is not Questioning life paths.To achieve time-sensitive going to be important to me pretty soon." Another woman wanted to concentrate on finding goals of marriage and children,they examined a fulfilling career and told us,"I am kind of think- their romantic and career pathways.Being out ing that I need to go the career route because the of sync with their cohort,they pondered what might be“wrong'”that had led them to be single man thing is not working out." At some point,the women struggled with the past the time they and society had expected.One direction of and satisfaction with their careers woman explained. When careers were in flux,figuring out the desired direction of their careers was a more Sometimes you question yourself because you are thinking."Why is it that I am 32 and I can't immediate concern than finding a partner, seem to find someone?"So that is the hard part although they continued to date and expressed because then you start thinking."Well,maybe concern about dating when grappling with something is wrong with me because I can't find career goals.Struggling with two major un- someone. knowns at the same time-relationships and career-tended to be especially stressful;when In a similar manner,another respondent told us, both domains were uncertain,women were "I think almost unfortunately we end up telling likely to“panic..”One woman described her ourselves if you are not married,you almost feel reaction to being unsatisfied with both her job like you are not normal."Ideas of normalcy were and her relationships as having a "nervous strongly connected to traditional marital expecta- breakdown,"which led to therapy.She took tions for their lives,perpetuated by society,fam- an antidepressant for 6 months. ily,coworkers,and friends.As time passed, women started to question conventional norma- tive timetables for marriage and children.One Comparing Themselves to Others woman explained, Women compared themselves to others their age. They articulated“feeling stunted'”and“feeling At a certain point,if you give yourself enough behind"their peers when struggling with their ca- time to grow as a person and experience enough reers and romantic lives simultaneously.When things.then you get past expectations...you real- comparing themselves to individuals in unhappy ize that you don't have to graduate from high school,graduate from college,find the perfect marriages or divorced women in their cohort, husband,get married,and have kids and settle however,they felt content that their path was down by 25.You realize that it is a whole differ- right for them.One respondent put it this way, ent world out there. "I may not be on the married list,but I am sure not on the divorced list."They hoped their As they grew more accustomed to their single sta- lengthy searches would lead to a partner who tus and their concern that the numbers of eligible was right for them,thereby avoiding divorce. men were decreasing,they pondered the possibil- At other times,women compared themselves to

to marry and bear children before their biological clocks stopped. They believed that late 30s or early 40s would be the latest they could have children but they preferred to have children before then. They wanted first to get married and then to have chil￾dren. One woman described this: You feel like you kind of got this time frame, it is not set in stone and you don’t necessarily say it, but it is kind of always in the back of your mind. Like if you do the math: I want to get married and have kids and it is not going to be okay for￾ever. It is like this underlying thing that you don’t really express .but in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, ‘‘okay, I’m almost 30 and my eggs are dying slowly. Am I going be able to have kids if I wait much longer?’’ Questioning life paths. To achieve time-sensitive goals of marriage and children, they examined their romantic and career pathways. Being out of sync with their cohort, they pondered what might be ‘‘wrong’’ that had led them to be single past the time they and society had expected. One woman explained, Sometimes you question yourself because you are thinking, ‘‘Why is it that I am 32 and I can’t seem to find someone?’’ So that is the hard part because then you start thinking, ‘‘Well, maybe something is wrong with me because I can’t find someone.’’ In a similar manner, another respondent told us, ‘‘I think almost unfortunately we end up telling ourselves if you are not married, you almost feel like you are not normal.’’ Ideas of normalcy were strongly connected to traditional marital expecta￾tions for their lives, perpetuated by society, fam￾ily, coworkers, and friends. As time passed, women started to question conventional norma￾tive timetables for marriage and children. One woman explained, At a certain point, if you give yourself enough time to grow as a person and experience enough things, then you get past expectations .you real￾ize that you don’t have to graduate from high school, graduate from college, find the perfect husband, get married, and have kids and settle down by 25. You realize that it is a whole differ￾ent world out there. As they grew more accustomed to their single sta￾tus and their concern that the numbers of eligible men were decreasing, they pondered the possibil￾ity of not marrying and questioned the benefits of marriage. They did not seem to question their de￾sires for children. Three women stated that as they grew older, the importance of children superseded a husband. Other women wanted the ‘‘package’’ (i.e., husband and children), and a few wanted a husband more than children. Women also reflected on the direction of their careers. Ideas about their future family were a focus in planning their careers. For example, some of the women selected college majors, anticipating spouses and children in the future, and they structured their careers to accommodate the children they expected to have. ‘‘There is really not any big point in being ambitious at work. I’m just kind of like working and getting paid and that’s it. I am just assuming that is not going to be important to me pretty soon.’’ Another woman wanted to concentrate on finding a fulfilling career and told us, ‘‘I am kind of think￾ing that I need to go the career route because the man thing is not working out.’’ At some point, the women struggled with the direction of and satisfaction with their careers. When careers were in flux, figuring out the desired direction of their careers was a more immediate concern than finding a partner, although they continued to date and expressed concern about dating when grappling with career goals. Struggling with two major un￾knowns at the same time—relationships and career—tended to be especially stressful; when both domains were uncertain, women were likely to ‘‘panic.’’ One woman described her reaction to being unsatisfied with both her job and her relationships as having a ‘‘nervous breakdown,’’ which led to therapy. She took an antidepressant for 6 months. Comparing Themselves to Others Women compared themselves to others their age. They articulated ‘‘feeling stunted’’ and ‘‘feeling behind’’ their peers when struggling with their ca￾reers and romantic lives simultaneously. When comparing themselves to individuals in unhappy marriages or divorced women in their cohort, however, they felt content that their path was right for them. One respondent put it this way, ‘‘I may not be on the married list, but I am sure not on the divorced list.’’ They hoped their lengthy searches would lead to a partner who was right for them, thereby avoiding divorce. At other times, women compared themselves to Missing the Marital Transition 837

838 Journal of Marriage and Family happily married couples and wondered why they, age-group that she considered acceptable for too,could not find a suitable partner. a romantic partner. They also compared themselves to older Respondents were trying new ways to meet women who had not married.Knowing older sin- men and dating a variety of men,some of whom gle women offered comfort and also raised con- they would not have dated when they were youn- cemns.One respondent explained, ger.They were initially resistant to blind dates ar- ranged by friends but,over time,accepted this I am meeting more women that either worked avenue to meet men."I just got set up a few and decided not to get married and didn't meet weeks ago,which is surprising because in my ear- the right person or were more devoted to their lier years,I would have never done that.But at families [of origin].In a way,it makes me feel kind of better about the fact that I'm not married. this point,.I am like‘what do I have to lose?” But at the same time,it is a little sad because I In addition,although most preferred to date can see myself at 60 or 70,how these women are never-married men,they now were open to dating mostly alone or dependent on nieces and neph- divorced men and men with children.Although, ews.So,in a way,it is kind of empowering and, in a way,it is kind of sad. they were reluctant to date men with children because of complications children bring to rela- tionships.Women had dated men with children and would again if the man offered potential. Managing Uncertainty:Trying to Be Unlike when they were in their early 20s,a few Okay in the Gray women dated younger men,and one woman con- Responding to the uncertainty prominent in their sidered dating a man of a lower socioeconomic status than her own. romantic lives,one participant articulated her thoughts: Concem about the passage of time played a dominant role in dating decisions.Compared It is kind of like that unknown phase,you just to when they were younger,they felt increased wish you had the crystal ball,you know if I could pressure to figure out whether men they were see that this is what the end is going to look like, dating had long-term potential.They looked for I would be so much more okay with getting there. characteristics they had in common and for un- I would have all the patience in the world but I just wish I knew. appealing indicators and consequently made quick decisions: Without knowing the direction of their romantic When I do go out,I am real picky.I tend to date lives,women enacted several strategies to man- them a couple of times,and [if]I find something age the uncertainty,including (a)taking control that I don't like or I don't think I will mesh with I don't just drag it out,I am very to the point."I [in areas they can],(b)letting go and/or pushing don't see how this is going to work out."Just move back decisions,and (c)retraining thoughts. on.As I get older I've gotten more like I am not going to waste any more of my time or his time Taking control [in areas they canj.They acknowledged their limited control in finding Expectations and standards for a mate were a suitable mate.One woman said,"I really don't higher than when they were younger.Although feel like I have any control over it [getting mar- this appears to be contradictory given the afore- ried]and it is hard as an independent person that mentioned concerns about the passage of time I am,it is hard to say that I don't have control over and diminishing years to bear children,they that.You have control over so many other things described themselves as becoming more selective except for that."Women were actively searching about prospective mates.Compared to when they for a marital partner,speeding up their searches were in their early 20s,the women were more and the development of romantic relationships, mature,more experienced in dating,and knew and seeking help.Participants went to places that themselves better.They pointed out that,"you had a likelihood of available men (e.g.,bars and don't want to settle,you don't want it not to work restaurants).One woman specifically joined out."Another woman said,"I think that I've just activities to meet men,although this strategy been trained to look at the whole package and I'm was not always fruitful.For example,she told real picky.” us:"I joined a singles golf group but it turned In addition to eliminating men quickly,women out that most of them were over 60!,not the were speeding up the development of relationships

happily married couples and wondered why they, too, could not find a suitable partner. They also compared themselves to older women who had not married. Knowing older sin￾gle women offered comfort and also raised con￾cerns. One respondent explained, I am meeting more women that either worked and decided not to get married and didn’t meet the right person or were more devoted to their families [of origin]. In a way, it makes me feel kind of better about the fact that I’m not married. But at the same time, it is a little sad because I can see myself at 60 or 70, how these women are mostly alone or dependent on nieces and neph￾ews. So, in a way, it is kind of empowering and, in a way, it is kind of sad. Managing Uncertainty: Trying to Be Okay in the Gray Responding to the uncertainty prominent in their romantic lives, one participant articulated her thoughts: It is kind of like that unknown phase, you just wish you had the crystal ball, you know if I could see that this is what the end is going to look like, I would be so much more okay with getting there. I would have all the patience in the world but I just wish I knew. Without knowing the direction of their romantic lives, women enacted several strategies to man￾age the uncertainty, including (a) taking control [in areas they can], (b) letting go and/or pushing back decisions, and (c) retraining thoughts. Taking control [in areas they can]. They acknowledged their limited control in finding a suitable mate. One woman said, ‘‘I really don’t feel like I have any control over it [getting mar￾ried] and it is hard as an independent person that I am, it is hard to say that I don’t have control over that. You have control over so many other things except for that.’’ Women were actively searching for a marital partner, speeding up their searches and the development of romantic relationships, and seeking help. Participants went to places that had a likelihood of available men (e.g., bars and restaurants). One woman specifically joined activities to meet men, although this strategy was not always fruitful. For example, she told us: ‘‘I joined a singles golf group but it turned out that most of them were over 60!,’’not the age-group that she considered acceptable for a romantic partner. Respondents were trying new ways to meet men and dating a variety of men, some of whom they would not have dated when they were youn￾ger. They were initially resistant to blind dates ar￾ranged by friends but, over time, accepted this avenue to meet men. ‘‘I just got set up a few weeks ago, which is surprising because in my ear￾lier years, I would have never done that. But at this point, I am like ‘what do I have to lose?’’’ In addition, although most preferred to date never-married men, they now were open to dating divorced men and men with children. Although, they were reluctant to date men with children because of complications children bring to rela￾tionships. Women had dated men with children and would again if the man offered potential. Unlike when they were in their early 20s, a few women dated younger men, and one woman con￾sidered dating a man of a lower socioeconomic status than her own. Concern about the passage of time played a dominant role in dating decisions. Compared to when they were younger, they felt increased pressure to figure out whether men they were dating had long-term potential. They looked for characteristics they had in common and for un￾appealing indicators and consequently made quick decisions: When I do go out, I am real picky. I tend to date them a couple of times, and [if] I find something that I don’t like or I don’t think I will mesh with I don’t just drag it out, I am very to the point. ‘‘I don’t see how this is going to work out.’’ Just move on. As I get older I’ve gotten more like I am not going to waste any more of my time or his time. Expectations and standards for a mate were higher than when they were younger. Although this appears to be contradictory given the afore￾mentioned concerns about the passage of time and diminishing years to bear children, they described themselves as becoming more selective about prospective mates. Compared to when they were in their early 20s, the women were more mature, more experienced in dating, and knew themselves better. They pointed out that, ‘‘you don’t want to settle, you don’t want it not to work out.’’ Another woman said, ‘‘I think that I’ve just been trained to look at the whole package and I’m real picky.’’ In addition to eliminating men quickly, women were speeding up the development of relationships 838 Journal of Marriage and Family

Missing the Marital Transition 839 with men in whom they were interested.When ing the time we conducted interviews.One they wanted a future with someone,women woman said. put pressure on themselves and the men to become serious quickly because they wanted to As far as Valentine's day,I've been single for so know where the relationship was going.In many of them,you just treat yourself to some- a few cases,men rushed relationships;this was thing,you surround yourself with friends,and especially likely when they dated older,never- you are just thankful that you didn't end up with that skuzzy guy that it didn't work out that you married men. thought was the love of your life at the time,that As another way to manage,women sought is all you can really do. help by talking to friends and counselors. Friends served as sounding boards and as sour- Women were pushing back decisions.They did ces of comfort,and over half of the women not attach time deadlines for marriage as they sought professional counseling related to their had done when younger.Setting goals for when relational statuses.Women varied in their de- they would marry would bring disappointment. scriptions about the effectiveness of therapy; One woman described her thoughts: overall,though,most suggested that therapy was helpful. I think you are setting yourself up for disappoint- ment,if you focus so much on getting married.If Letting go andlor pushing back decisions. it doesn't happen,I think it would be hard.I don't Another strategy women enacted for managing even want to set myself up for that.When I was uncertainty was to let go,mostly in terms of the young.I had a timeline...I don't do it because you are setting yourself for failure. present time.They were trying not to think about marriage and children,pushing back decisions, Others had set a deadline of age 30 for having contemplating backup plans,and believing that children but extended it because the deadline if it is supposed to happen,it will happen. had passed or was near.In addition,although four Women discussed trying not to think about had purchased a house,women had delayed or marriage and children.They focused on other as- were delaying buying houses because they envi- pects of their lives and stayed busy.One woman sioned buying their first home with a husband, said,"I tend to fill up my time so I don't think about it."Responding to frequent triggering wanting it to be a“family decision.”Part of the process of finding and purchasing a house events(e.g.,friends'weddings or friends'giving was letting go of this expectation that they would birth,holidays),they were,however,forced to buy their first home with a husband.For the think about marriage and children.When such women who already owned their homes,external events occurred,they tried to focus on other factors prompted the decisions (e.g.,inheriting things,such as a friend's happiness when she a house). announced her engagement or pregnancy.Holi- Women contemplated backup plans in case days also served as reminders that their romantic they did not marry.All but one woman who did lives were out of sync with others.In fact.one not already own a house was saving to buy a house woman considers Valentine's Day to be "Singles or condominium.Women also considered adopt- Awareness Day."Another woman explained her ing or bearing a child without a husband.A few thinking related to holidays: decided that they would have a child when they felt ready,whether or not they had a husband. ..the series of holidays that starts on Thanksgiv- ing and Christmas and you get the final "wham- One woman decided that she would prepare to mie"-New Year's.I just think the whole winter adopt a child at age 32.She explained, months with the gray weather and less sun kind of hits you-triple whammie.They should have I realize that all my short-term goals are not those holidays in the summer instead of the winter. reachable because you can't really set them It just makes you feel left out because these holi- because you don't have control ..Something that days center around couples,not really friends.It is gives me a little bit of comfort is the adoption at not about showing you care for your friends,it is all about showing you care to your spouse so if age 32.That is a long-term goal but it is also you don't have a spouse,you kind of feel left out. a back-up plan because if I meet someone and get married,I'd like to have children of my own...It [adoption]is still a long-term goal regardless of For holidays,women consciously planned the whether I am married or not,but [it is]a back-up day ahead of time.Valentine's Day occurred dur- plan if I don't get married

with men in whom they were interested. When they wanted a future with someone, women put pressure on themselves and the men to become serious quickly because they wanted to know where the relationship was going. In a few cases, men rushed relationships; this was especially likely when they dated older, never￾married men. As another way to manage, women sought help by talking to friends and counselors. Friends served as sounding boards and as sour￾ces of comfort, and over half of the women sought professional counseling related to their relational statuses. Women varied in their de￾scriptions about the effectiveness of therapy; overall, though, most suggested that therapy was helpful. Letting go and/or pushing back decisions. Another strategy women enacted for managing uncertainty was to let go, mostly in terms of the present time. They were trying not to think about marriage and children, pushing back decisions, contemplating backup plans, and believing that if it is supposed to happen, it will happen. Women discussed trying not to think about marriage and children. They focused on other as￾pects of their lives and stayed busy. One woman said, ‘‘I tend to fill up my time so I don’t think about it.’’ Responding to frequent triggering events (e.g., friends’ weddings or friends’ giving birth, holidays), they were, however, forced to think about marriage and children. When such events occurred, they tried to focus on other things, such as a friend’s happiness when she announced her engagement or pregnancy. Holi￾days also served as reminders that their romantic lives were out of sync with others. In fact, one woman considers Valentine’s Day to be ‘‘Singles Awareness Day.’’ Another woman explained her thinking related to holidays: .the series of holidays that starts on Thanksgiv￾ing and Christmas and you get the final ‘‘wham￾mie’’—New Year’s. I just think the whole winter months with the gray weather and less sun kind of hits you—triple whammie. They should have those holidays in the summer instead of the winter. It just makes you feel left out because these holi￾days center around couples, not really friends. It is not about showing you care for your friends, it is all about showing you care to your spouse so if you don’t have a spouse, you kind of feel left out. For holidays, women consciously planned the day ahead of time. Valentine’s Day occurred dur￾ing the time we conducted interviews. One woman said, As far as Valentine’s day, I’ve been single for so many of them, you just treat yourself to some￾thing, you surround yourself with friends, and you are just thankful that you didn’t end up with that skuzzy guy that it didn’t work out that you thought was the love of your life at the time, that is all you can really do. Women were pushing back decisions. They did not attach time deadlines for marriage as they had done when younger. Setting goals for when they would marry would bring disappointment. One woman described her thoughts: I think you are setting yourself up for disappoint￾ment, if you focus so much on getting married. If it doesn’t happen, I think it would be hard. I don’t even want to set myself up for that. When I was young, I had a timeline . I don’t do it because you are setting yourself for failure. Others had set a deadline of age 30 for having children but extended it because the deadline had passed or was near. In addition, although four had purchased a house, women had delayed or were delaying buying houses because they envi￾sioned buying their first home with a husband, wanting it to be a ‘‘family decision.’’ Part of the process of finding and purchasing a house was letting go of this expectation that they would buy their first home with a husband. For the women who already owned their homes, external factors prompted the decisions (e.g., inheriting a house). Women contemplated backup plans in case they did not marry. All but one woman who did not already own a house was saving to buy a house or condominium. Women also considered adopt￾ing or bearing a child without a husband. A few decided that they would have a child when they felt ready, whether or not they had a husband. One woman decided that she would prepare to adopt a child at age 32. She explained, I realize that all my short-term goals are not reachable because you can’t really set them because you don’t have control . Something that gives me a little bit of comfort is the adoption at age 32. That is a long-term goal but it is also a back-up plan because if I meet someone and get married, I’d like to have children of my own . It [adoption] is still a long-term goal regardless of whether I am married or not, but [it is] a back-up plan if I don’t get married. Missing the Marital Transition 839

840 Journal of Marriage and Family The women described believing in fate-an (not being tied down to others),taking advantage unnamed external force-as directing their of new activities,and traveling: romantic lives.Participants told us,"Whatever is meant to be,will happen.If it [marriage and I feel like having not gotten married,I have been children]is supposed to happen,it will happen. able to do a lot of things that maybe I wouldn't If not,it won't."One woman identified strongly [have]been able to do...I love trying things...I as a Christian,believing God was in control of don't think I would have gotten opportunity to do or felt like I would be able to do being in a situa- her life.She explained,"...And just the whole tion where I had a spouse or family. aspect that if you trust in God,then you entrust your future and if He has in His will for you to They also enjoyed knowing that they could take be married,then it will happen..." care of themselves.Women described comfort and pride in their ability to provide for themselves financially: Retraining thoughts.In response to considerable internal and external pressures to marry and have I have been able to buy a house for myself,I have children at their ages,participants consciously re- a reliable,decent car that I am able to pay for by framed or "retrained"their thinking.In particu- myself,I have a lot of nice jewelry that a lot of lar,they were thinking in optimistic ways, people expect others to buy for them.I guess I am okay being single because I enjoy the freedom reminding themselves that they are okay,and and not having to explain where I've been when I focusing on advantages of being single. don't come home after work or if I want to go to They tried to be optimistic about the chances of three happy hours one week,I can.Or if I want to marrying and having children in their future. spend $50 on two bottles of wine,I could do that. That is what makes it okay.It is just the next level Believing that negative thoughts were unproduc- of independence:That I can provide for myself, tive,they described actively retraining thoughts that I can take care of myself...Even though I when doubts occurred.One participant said, want that extra part [marriage and children]in my life,I don't need it to survive. I am positive,and I think I will get married.Then at times I start thinking."It has been a long time In addition,connected with finances.women and I am not married and most people are"so,at described how they enjoyed knowing that they times,I get discouraged,but that doesn't help so were also taking care of themselves emotionally. I just try to stay positive.And it's really not hard. In two cases,women discussed how their I don't know if I am delusional or what but mostly I'm positive and just think that it will hap- extended singlehood will help them avoid being pen. financially or emotionally helpless as they per- ceived their mothers to be after their mothers' When experiencing doubts,they reminded them- divorce. selves that they are okay. Finally,they were knowing themselves better. They described the growth they experienced as A lot of times,I think in my head,"I am a good a result of extended singlehood.They believed person!"I have to give myself pep talks."I have married women were too busy focusing on their this going for me and this,and I have a good per- husbands and children and not on themselves. sonality and I am attractive and I am smart."And then [other times,I am like "Omigod,there is They expressed appreciation for having pro- something wrong with me." longed time to reflect on their experiences;they started questioning society's expectations for They also affirmed themselves by remembering them and were trying to figure out what they flaws in past romances.They resolved that previ- wanted in life."Singlehood is a special time- ous relationships ended for important reasons not everyone gets this time." and,if they continued,would have eventually ended in divorce. In addition,women were focusing on the ad- DISCUSSION vantages of being single.They were enjoying their freedom,taking care of themselves,and This study examined the experiences of never- knowing themselves better.They were enjoying married women in their late 20s and early 30s their independence.The women focused on the using descriptive phenomenology methods.The ability to do what they wanted when they wanted final task of descriptive phenomenology requires

The women described believing in fate—an unnamed external force—as directing their romantic lives. Participants told us, ‘‘Whatever is meant to be, will happen. If it [marriage and children] is supposed to happen, it will happen. If not, it won’t.’’ One woman identified strongly as a Christian, believing God was in control of her life. She explained, ‘‘.And just the whole aspect that if you trust in God, then you entrust your future and if He has in His will for you to be married, then it will happen . . .’’ Retraining thoughts. In response to considerable internal and external pressures to marry and have children at their ages, participants consciously re￾framed or ‘‘retrained’’ their thinking. In particu￾lar, they were thinking in optimistic ways, reminding themselves that they are okay, and focusing on advantages of being single. They tried to be optimistic about the chances of marrying and having children in their future. Believing that negative thoughts were unproduc￾tive, they described actively retraining thoughts when doubts occurred. One participant said, I am positive, and I think I will get married. Then at times I start thinking, ‘‘It has been a long time and I am not married and most people are’’ so, at times, I get discouraged, but that doesn’t help so I just try to stay positive. And it’s really not hard. I don’t know if I am delusional or what but mostly I’m positive and just think that it will hap￾pen. When experiencing doubts, they reminded them￾selves that they are okay. A lot of times, I think in my head, ‘‘I am a good person!’’ I have to give myself pep talks. ‘‘I have this going for me and this, and I have a good per￾sonality and I am attractive and I am smart.’’ And then [other] times, I am like ‘‘Omigod, there is something wrong with me.’’ They also affirmed themselves by remembering flaws in past romances. They resolved that previ￾ous relationships ended for important reasons and, if they continued, would have eventually ended in divorce. In addition, women were focusing on the ad￾vantages of being single. They were enjoying their freedom, taking care of themselves, and knowing themselves better. They were enjoying their independence. The women focused on the ability to do what they wanted when they wanted (not being tied down to others), taking advantage of new activities, and traveling: I feel like having not gotten married, I have been able to do a lot of things that maybe I wouldn’t [have] been able to do .I love trying things .I don’t think I would have gotten opportunity to do or felt like I would be able to do being in a situa￾tion where I had a spouse or family. They also enjoyed knowing that they could take care of themselves. Women described comfort and pride in their ability to provide for themselves financially: I have been able to buy a house for myself, I have a reliable, decent car that I am able to pay for by myself, I have a lot of nice jewelry that a lot of people expect others to buy for them. I guess I am okay being single because I enjoy the freedom and not having to explain where I’ve been when I don’t come home after work or if I want to go to three happy hours one week, I can. Or if I want to spend $50 on two bottles of wine, I could do that. That is what makes it okay. It is just the next level of independence: That I can provide for myself, that I can take care of myself .Even though I want that extra part [marriage and children] in my life, I don’t need it to survive. In addition, connected with finances, women described how they enjoyed knowing that they were also taking care of themselves emotionally. In two cases, women discussed how their extended singlehood will help them avoid being financially or emotionally helpless as they per￾ceived their mothers to be after their mothers’ divorce. Finally, they were knowing themselves better. They described the growth they experienced as a result of extended singlehood. They believed married women were too busy focusing on their husbands and children and not on themselves. They expressed appreciation for having pro￾longed time to reflect on their experiences; they started questioning society’s expectations for them and were trying to figure out what they wanted in life. ‘‘Singlehood is a special time— not everyone gets this time.’’ DISCUSSION This study examined the experiences of never￾married women in their late 20s and early 30s using descriptive phenomenology methods. The final task of descriptive phenomenology requires 840 Journal of Marriage and Family