840 Journal of Marriage and Family The women described believing in fate-an (not being tied down to others),taking advantage unnamed external force-as directing their of new activities,and traveling: romantic lives.Participants told us,"Whatever is meant to be,will happen.If it [marriage and I feel like having not gotten married,I have been children]is supposed to happen,it will happen. able to do a lot of things that maybe I wouldn't If not,it won't."One woman identified strongly [have]been able to do...I love trying things...I as a Christian,believing God was in control of don't think I would have gotten opportunity to do or felt like I would be able to do being in a situa- her life.She explained,"...And just the whole tion where I had a spouse or family. aspect that if you trust in God,then you entrust your future and if He has in His will for you to They also enjoyed knowing that they could take be married,then it will happen..." care of themselves.Women described comfort and pride in their ability to provide for themselves financially: Retraining thoughts.In response to considerable internal and external pressures to marry and have I have been able to buy a house for myself,I have children at their ages,participants consciously re- a reliable,decent car that I am able to pay for by framed or "retrained"their thinking.In particu- myself,I have a lot of nice jewelry that a lot of lar,they were thinking in optimistic ways, people expect others to buy for them.I guess I am okay being single because I enjoy the freedom reminding themselves that they are okay,and and not having to explain where I've been when I focusing on advantages of being single. don't come home after work or if I want to go to They tried to be optimistic about the chances of three happy hours one week,I can.Or if I want to marrying and having children in their future. spend $50 on two bottles of wine,I could do that. That is what makes it okay.It is just the next level Believing that negative thoughts were unproduc- of independence:That I can provide for myself, tive,they described actively retraining thoughts that I can take care of myself...Even though I when doubts occurred.One participant said, want that extra part [marriage and children]in my life,I don't need it to survive. I am positive,and I think I will get married.Then at times I start thinking."It has been a long time In addition,connected with finances.women and I am not married and most people are"so,at described how they enjoyed knowing that they times,I get discouraged,but that doesn't help so were also taking care of themselves emotionally. I just try to stay positive.And it's really not hard. In two cases,women discussed how their I don't know if I am delusional or what but mostly I'm positive and just think that it will hap- extended singlehood will help them avoid being pen. financially or emotionally helpless as they per- ceived their mothers to be after their mothers' When experiencing doubts,they reminded them- divorce. selves that they are okay. Finally,they were knowing themselves better. They described the growth they experienced as A lot of times,I think in my head,"I am a good a result of extended singlehood.They believed person!"I have to give myself pep talks."I have married women were too busy focusing on their this going for me and this,and I have a good per- husbands and children and not on themselves. sonality and I am attractive and I am smart."And then [other times,I am like "Omigod,there is They expressed appreciation for having pro- something wrong with me." longed time to reflect on their experiences;they started questioning society's expectations for They also affirmed themselves by remembering them and were trying to figure out what they flaws in past romances.They resolved that previ- wanted in life."Singlehood is a special time- ous relationships ended for important reasons not everyone gets this time." and,if they continued,would have eventually ended in divorce. In addition,women were focusing on the ad- DISCUSSION vantages of being single.They were enjoying their freedom,taking care of themselves,and This study examined the experiences of never- knowing themselves better.They were enjoying married women in their late 20s and early 30s their independence.The women focused on the using descriptive phenomenology methods.The ability to do what they wanted when they wanted final task of descriptive phenomenology requiresThe women described believing in fate—an unnamed external force—as directing their romantic lives. Participants told us, ‘‘Whatever is meant to be, will happen. If it [marriage and children] is supposed to happen, it will happen. If not, it won’t.’’ One woman identified strongly as a Christian, believing God was in control of her life. She explained, ‘‘.And just the whole aspect that if you trust in God, then you entrust your future and if He has in His will for you to be married, then it will happen . . .’’ Retraining thoughts. In response to considerable internal and external pressures to marry and have children at their ages, participants consciously re￾framed or ‘‘retrained’’ their thinking. In particu￾lar, they were thinking in optimistic ways, reminding themselves that they are okay, and focusing on advantages of being single. They tried to be optimistic about the chances of marrying and having children in their future. Believing that negative thoughts were unproduc￾tive, they described actively retraining thoughts when doubts occurred. One participant said, I am positive, and I think I will get married. Then at times I start thinking, ‘‘It has been a long time and I am not married and most people are’’ so, at times, I get discouraged, but that doesn’t help so I just try to stay positive. And it’s really not hard. I don’t know if I am delusional or what but mostly I’m positive and just think that it will hap￾pen. When experiencing doubts, they reminded them￾selves that they are okay. A lot of times, I think in my head, ‘‘I am a good person!’’ I have to give myself pep talks. ‘‘I have this going for me and this, and I have a good per￾sonality and I am attractive and I am smart.’’ And then [other] times, I am like ‘‘Omigod, there is something wrong with me.’’ They also affirmed themselves by remembering flaws in past romances. They resolved that previ￾ous relationships ended for important reasons and, if they continued, would have eventually ended in divorce. In addition, women were focusing on the ad￾vantages of being single. They were enjoying their freedom, taking care of themselves, and knowing themselves better. They were enjoying their independence. The women focused on the ability to do what they wanted when they wanted (not being tied down to others), taking advantage of new activities, and traveling: I feel like having not gotten married, I have been able to do a lot of things that maybe I wouldn’t [have] been able to do .I love trying things .I don’t think I would have gotten opportunity to do or felt like I would be able to do being in a situa￾tion where I had a spouse or family. They also enjoyed knowing that they could take care of themselves. Women described comfort and pride in their ability to provide for themselves financially: I have been able to buy a house for myself, I have a reliable, decent car that I am able to pay for by myself, I have a lot of nice jewelry that a lot of people expect others to buy for them. I guess I am okay being single because I enjoy the freedom and not having to explain where I’ve been when I don’t come home after work or if I want to go to three happy hours one week, I can. Or if I want to spend $50 on two bottles of wine, I could do that. That is what makes it okay. It is just the next level of independence: That I can provide for myself, that I can take care of myself .Even though I want that extra part [marriage and children] in my life, I don’t need it to survive. In addition, connected with finances, women described how they enjoyed knowing that they were also taking care of themselves emotionally. In two cases, women discussed how their extended singlehood will help them avoid being financially or emotionally helpless as they per￾ceived their mothers to be after their mothers’ divorce. Finally, they were knowing themselves better. They described the growth they experienced as a result of extended singlehood. They believed married women were too busy focusing on their husbands and children and not on themselves. They expressed appreciation for having pro￾longed time to reflect on their experiences; they started questioning society’s expectations for them and were trying to figure out what they wanted in life. ‘‘Singlehood is a special time— not everyone gets this time.’’ DISCUSSION This study examined the experiences of never￾married women in their late 20s and early 30s using descriptive phenomenology methods. The final task of descriptive phenomenology requires 840 Journal of Marriage and Family