COMMUNICATION YBRIEFS USING ACTIVE LISTENING times all that person wants is some: How did you do? Improve your communication one to listen and understand. By lis-: For questions 1 to 8, give yourself 5 skills with the most powerful tool tening first, you'll understand her points for every"true"answer. For problem better, and if she doesn't questions 9 to 13, give yourself 5 BY STEPHEN D, BOYD, PHD, CSP solve her own problem by talking points for every false"answer. Out CORPORATE TRAINER.FORT THOMAS, KY about it, you'll be better prepared to of a total of 65 possible points, the offer advice. Ask her, "How can I lower you scored, the better you are ne of your staff nurses pulls you help? Many times, people will reply at communicating with others aside to discuss a problem she's: that they just want to talk having with a patient's family. She 4. Commit completely. Don't let How can you improve? talks; you listen. Who's active? Who's anything distract you while you're lis. Questions 1 to 5 address barriers to passive? The answer may seem clear-: tening. If you're in an office, forward communication. If you scored poorly cut: The staff nurse is active and your phone to voice mail. If you're in this section, review the questions you're passive. But in reality you're tempted to watch other people in the that caused your high score. Con- both active hallway, turn your back to the action. sider how your behaviors-however requires an mind and increased energy. In fact, active listening is your top priority. ing your interactions with others tening is probably the most impor Questions 6 to 8 address defen tant factor in effective communica- siveness. If you didn't fare well tion In your next conversation, use WHAT'S YOUR CQ? these questions, you're not alone these four tips to improve your lis-i Take this quiz to measure your But remember, the onus is on you to tening skills ition quotient make yourself clear. Most important take some time out if you can't er Questions that command yes, no, or BUSINESS CONSULTANT CHIPPEWA FALLS WIS that defensive feeling. Schedule one-word answers produce responses time to reconvene. and in the mean. that are less revealing to the listener. f your ideas sometimes fall upon time, cool do On the other hand, questions such as t deaf ears or your proposals are fre-: Nonverbal cues can be tricky, so if That other factors are involved? " quently met with indifference, you you scored poorly on questions 9 to and "What else might influence the may not be communicating well. 13, you may want to read up on in way we handle this problem?"en-: This quiz will measure your CQ-; terpreting body lan nguage. Consider courage the talker to give details and communication quotient, Answer also how a tendency to make as- force you to pick up the conversation i true or false, then check the tips for sumptions about others'behaviors where she left off Improving your score can create communication problems 2. Paraphrase. Paraphrasing veri s the accuracy of your listening and 1. When a colleague or staff member speaks with me, I nod my head makes sure the other persons per- and smile because I know what she's going to say spective is clear to you. If you can 2. It's easier to speak with people I like or people who are similar to me paraphrase accurately, you've been 3. People frequently ask me, What do you mean? 4. I often think of what I'll say next when someone is talking with me self to paraphrase occasionally, you 5. On a hectic day, I cant always give my full attention to someone become more actively involved with 6. I,ve been told many times, "Don t get defensive the talker. This opportunity typically 7. No one ever understands my point of view occurs when you're listening to an 8. I sometimes feel challenged or threatened by others when they ask me employee's or a physici lan s com about my work. plaints. Before leaving a conversation, 9. If I' m unsure of how to react to a situation i'll take the lead from the other person you correctly. What Ive been hearing 10. I always evaluate my perceptions before acting on them is that 11. If I run into staff members who seem upset, I'll ask what's wrong 3. Listen first; advise second. 12. Before interpreting what a facial expression might mean, I always check When someone comes to you wit my perceptions verbally 13. I make a conscious effort to get feedback on my own nonverbal cues offer advice or a solution But some. bttp/www nursingnanagement com ng Management 55
COMMUNICATIO N BRIEF S USING ACTIVE LISTENING Improve your communication skills with the most powerful tool available. BY STEPHEN D. BOYD, PHD , CS P CORPORATE TRAINER* FORT THOMAS, KY. O ne of your staff nurses pulls you aside to discuss a problem she's having with a patient's family. She talks; you listen. Who's active? Who's passive? The answer may seem clearcut: The staff nurse is active and you're passive. But in reality you're both active. Listening well requires an active mind and increased energy. In fact, listening is probably the most important factor in effective communication. In your next conversation, use these four tips to improve your listening skills: 1. Ask open-ended questions. Questions that command yes, no, or one-word answers produce responses that are less revealing to the listener. On the other hand, questions such as "What other factors are involved?" and "What else might influence the way we handle this problem?" encourage the talker to give details and force you to pick up the conversation where she left off 2. Paraphrase. Paraphrasing verifies the accuracy of your listening and makes sure the other person's perspective is clear to you. If you can paraphrase accurately, you've been concentrating. When you push yourself to paraphrase occasionally, you become more actively involved with the talker. This opportunity typically occurs when you're listening to an employee's or a physician's complaints. Before leaving a conversation, say, "Let me make sure I understand you correctly. What I've been hearing is that...." 3. Listen first; advise second. When someone comes to you with a problem, your first impulse may be to offer advice or a solution. But sometimes all that person wants is someone to listen and understand. By listening first, you'll understand her problem better, and if she doesn't solve her own problem by talking about it, you'll be better prepared to offer advice. Ask her, "How can I help?" Many times, people will reply that they just want to talk. 4. Commit completely. Don't let anything distract you while you're listening. If you're in an office, forward your phone to voice mail. If you're tempted to watch other people in the hallway, turn your back to the action. These actions signal to the talker that active listening is your top priority. WHAT'S YOUR CQ? Take this quiz to measure your communication quotient. BY LIN GRENSING-POPHAL BUSINESS CONSULTANT • CHIPPEWA FALLS, WIS. I f your ideas sometimes fall upon deaf ears or your proposals are frequently met with indifference, you may not be communicating well. This quiz will measure your CQ— communication quotient. Answer true or false, then check the tips for improving your score, i How did you do? For questions 1 to 8, give yourself 5 points for every "true" answer. For questions 9 to 13, give yourself 5 points for every "false" answer. Out of a total of 65 possible points, the lower you scored, the better you are at communicating with others. How can you improve? Questions 1 to 5 address barriers to communication. If you scored poorly in this section, review the questions that caused your high score. Consider how your behaviors—however well intentioned—could be hampering your interactions with others. Questions 6 to 8 address defensiveness. If you didn't fare well on these questions, you're not alone. But remember, the onus is on you to make yourself clear. Most important, take some time out if you can't erase that defensive feeling. Schedule a time to reconvene, and in the meantime, cool down. Nonverbal cues can be tricky, so if you scored poorly on questions 9 to 13, you may want to read up on interpreting body language. Consider also how a tendency to make assumptions about others' behaviors can create communication problems. 1. When a colleague or staff member speaks with me, I nod my head and smile because I know what she's going to say. 2. It's easier to speak with people I like or people who are similar to me. 3. People frequently ask me, "What do you mean?" 4. I often think of what I'll say next when someone is talking with me. . 5. On a hectic day, I can't always give my full attention to someone. 6. I've been told many times, "Don't get defensive." 7. No one ever understands my point of view. . 8. I sometimes feel challenged or threatened by others when they ask me about my work. 9. If I'm unsure of how to react to a situation, I'll take the lead from the other person. .10. 1 always evaluate my perceptions before acting on them. .11. If I run into staff members who seem upset, I'll ask what's wrong. .12. Before interpreting what a facial expression might mean, I always check my perceptions verbally. .13. I make a conscious effort to get feedback on my own nonverbal cues. http://www.nursingmanagement.com Juiy 1998/Nursing Management 55
Remember, good communication ing, feeling frustrated, or finding resolving the issue. Following up on an is vital in any relationship. The art of yourself in a victim mentality. How unresolved problem is half the battle positive communication requires can you break this pattern? For some, 2, Relinquish the fix-it role. Let go otivation and skill. Making the ef-: it takes a real wake-up call-a serious of your need to be in charge and en- fort to increase your cQ is up to you illness, the loss of a relationship, or courage your staff or family own what some other upheaval. a better solu-: is theirs. A good place to start is by del tion is to get to the root of the prob-: gating, agreeing on outcomes and NIXING FIX-IT SYNDROME lem before that breaking point next steps, then trusting that the job Tired of being all things to all people? Here are ways Finding a cure not be done the way you would have change that unhealthy pattern ou can break this troubling pattern done it. You could also develop ground before things escalate into a crisis if rules or team agreements so that un- BY SHARON H. COX, RN, MSN you focus on ownership. Quite simply, healthy behavior isn't perpetuated PRINCIPAL HEALTH CARE MANAGEMENT CONSULTAN Cox& ASSOCIATES. BRENtWOOD, TENN. ownership starts with tion What part of all this is mine to emotionally depleted and exhausted A friend of my chuckled recently at: own-bow am I belping this bappen? Make selfcare a"have to"rather than a how she found herself in a simi: If you reflect on that question, you'll nice to Take at least 30 minutes of lar situation both at home and work. quickly see ways in which you' ve con- quiet time each day: walk, meditate, "I feel as if I should change my name tributed to the situation. Perhaps write in a journal-or just be still. As a to Ms. Fix-It, "she said. "Friends at you've expected people to read your Buddhist saying reminds us, "Just as a work seem to expect me to fix their mind and been frustrated when jar of muddy water settles and be problems-and at home, theres a line theyve failed to meet your needs, Or comes clear when it is still.. so do we at the door when I arrive. I hardly maybe you' ve talked with everyone Schedule a regular break in your have time to catch my breath but the person you need to talk routine every 6 to 8 weeks with a long Sound familiar? Running a depart: with-setting up a comm tri.: weekend or an activity to replenish things to all people isn't. The fix- it discussion. Whatever the motive, nourish you, make laugh, and re- role that many of us acquire and have: you need to recognize that you're ally listen. Getting more humor in your come to recognize as normal can lead contributing to the drama life helps a great deal. Developing hob- and a general cynicism that pervades drama, the situation changes. Rather regain a sense of balanc can he to burnout at work, marital problems, If you remove yourself from the bies and outside interests all our relationships an fixing everyone else, the key is ecognizing your own contribution to The road to recovery Signs of fix-it syndrome the situation and choosing to behave Remember to be specific about the be- Do you or respond differently. Doing the haviors you wish to change (one or always make yourself available?: following can help two at a time) and to stay with the Are you constantly checking your an: 1. Change bow you communicate. change until it becomes integrated into swering machine, or carrying a Ask for what you need. Remember your normal routine (usually after 3 beeper or cellular phone, as if you these four letters: D-E-S-C In a conflict, weeks of practice). You might find it were on call 24 hours a day? Describe the behavior (rather than at-: helpful to share your resolve with a have big control needs? Do you: tack the person), Explain the impact, peer at work and celebrate your suc nd yourself thinking or speaking for and State what you'd rather have. For cesses with her. others without being asked? Many of us example, when someone interrupts The key to curing fix- it syndrome is have difficulty delegating or letting oth you. en you interrupt me, I making a commitment to real change ers make decisions. Getting caught in feel discounted. I'd rather have a and sustaining that change over time he"If i want it done right, I need to do: chance to finish my thoughts before What does it take to make that com it myself"pattern is easy you continue."If the behavior contin- mitment? For me, it was a bumper try to be a people pleaser? Do you: ues, then follow up with Conse-: sticker that I saw years ago: " You get tend to avoid conflict and try to keep quences. Consequences could include what you tolerate. A everyone happy? Many of us swallow i reinforcing your requests with another SELECTED REFERENCES how we really feel and make ex- one-on-one meeting or, if the issue is: Sleepmough,E cuses for others-all to keep the groupwide, taking the concern to a Austin,Tex,Discovery Publications,1992 peace peer group for resolution. Also, ask the Covey S. The Seven Habits of Highl Over time, these behaviors set up a person you're in conflict with what Jeffers, S. End the Struggle and Dand pattern in which you're always rescu.: she thinks the next step should be in New York, St. Martin's Press, 1996 56 Nursing Management/July 1998 bttp /wwunursingmanagement com
Remember, good communication is vital in any relationship. The art of positive communication requires motivation and skill. Making the effort to increase your CQ is up to you. NIXING FIX-IT SYNDROME Tired of being all things to ^ all people? Here are ways to change that unhealthy pattern. BY SHARON H. COX, RN, MSN PRINCIPAL HEALTH CARE MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT Cox & ASSOCIATES • BRENTWOOD, TENN. A friend of my chuckled recently at how she found herself in a similar situation both at home and work. "I feel as if I should change my name to Ms. Fix-It," she said. "Friends at work seem to expect me to fix their problems—and at home, there's a line at the door when I arrive. I hardly have time to catch my breath." Sound familiar? Running a department may be your job, but being all things to all people isn't. The fix-it role that many of us acquire and have come to recognize as normal can lead to burnout at work, marital problems, and a general cynicism that pervades all our relationships. Signs of fix-it syndrome Do you: • aiways make yourself avaiiable? Are you constantly checking your answering machine, or carrying a beeper or cellular phone, as if you were on call 24 hours a day? • have high control needs? Do you find yourself thinking or speaking for others without being asked? Many of us have difficulty delegating or letting others make decisions. Getting caught in the "If I want it done right, I need to do it myself' pattern is easy. • try to be a people pleaser? Do you tend to avoid conflict and try to keep everyone happy? Many of us swallow how we really feel and make excuses for others—all to keep the peace. Over time, these behaviors set up a pattern in which you're always rescuing, feeling frustrated, or finding yourself in a victim mentality. How can you break this pattern? For some, it takes a real wake-up call—a serious illness, the loss of a relationship, or some other upheaval. A better solution is to get to the root of the problem before that breaking point. Finding a cure You can break this troubling pattern before things escalate into a crisis if you focus on ownership. Quite simply, ownership starts with asking the question What part of all this is mine to own—how am. I helping this happen? If you reflect on that question, you'll quickly see ways in which you've contributed to the situation. Perhaps you've expected people to read your mind and been frustrated when they've failed to meet your needs. Or maybe you've talked with everyone but the person you need to talk with—setting up a communication triangle rather than a straightforward discussion. Whatever the motive, you need to recognize that you're contributing to the drama. If you remove yourself from the drama, the situation changes. Rather than fixing everyone else, the key is recognizing your ow^n contribution to the situation and choosing to behave or respond differently. Doing the following can help: 1. Change how you communicate. Ask for what you need. Remember these four letters: E)-E-S-C. In a conflict, Describe the behavior (rather than attack the person), Explain the impact, and 5tate what you'd rather have. For example, when someone interrupts you, say, "When you interrupt me, I feel discounted. I'd rather have a chance to finish my thoughts before you continue." If the behavior continues, then follow up with Consequences. Consequences could include reinforcing your requests with another one-on-one meeting or, if the issue is group wide, taking the concern to a peer group for resolution. Also, ask the person you're in conflict with what she thinks the next step should be in resolving the issue. Following up on an unresolved problem is half the battle. 2. Relinquish the fix-it role. Let go of your need to be in charge and encotirage your staff or femily own what is theirs. A good place to start is by delegating, agreeing on outcomes and next steps, then trusting that the job will get done—even though it might not be done the way you would have done it. You could also develop ground rules or team agreements so that unhealthy behavior isn't perpetuated. 3. Manage your stress. Don't get emotionally depleted and exhausted. Make selfcare a "have to" rather than a "nice to." Take at least 30 minutes of quiet time each day: walk, meditate, write in a joumal—or just be still. As a Buddhist saying reminds us, "Just as a jar of muddy water settles and becomes clear when it is still... so do we." Schedule a regular break in your routine every 6 to 8 weeks with a long weekend or an activity to replenish and refill. Spend time with people who nourish you, make you laugh, and really listen. Getting more humor in yotir life helps a great deal. Developing hobbies and outside interests c;in help you regain a sense of balance. The road to recovery Remember to be specific about the behaviors you wish to change (one or two at a time) and to stay with the change tintil it becomes integrated into your normal routine (usually after 3 weeks of practice). You might find it helpful to share your resolve with a peer at work and celebrate your successes with her. The key to curing fix-it syndrome is making a commitment to real change and sustaining that change over time. What does it take to make that commitment? For me, it was a bumper sticker that I saw years ago: "You get what you tolerate." • SELECTED REFERENCES Allenbaugh, E.: Wake-up Calls: You Don't Have to Sleepwalk through Your Life, Love, or Career! Austin, Tex., Discovery Publications, 1992. Covey, S.: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. New York, Simon & Schuscer, 1989. Jeffers, S.: End the Struggle and Dance with Life. New York, St. Martin's Press, 1996. 56 Nursing Management/July 1998 http://wivw. nursingmanagement. com