《性别、亲密关系与社会》课程教学资源（女权主义与LGBT争论）“I Am AIDS”：Living with HIV/AIDS in China

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positions positions 18:2 Fall 2010 512 The literature on lesbian and gay identities tends to emphasize a process whereby marginalized subjects embrace a dominant negative language about themselves and rework its meaning into a positive valence."Coming out"becomes a positive means to challenge heteronormativity. In contrast,with the social and discursive construction of HIV/AIDS identities in China,public health officials and journalists-elites with the power to construct a dominant definition of the disease-tend to use lan- guage that has a positive valence to represent their awareness of the need to fight against AIDS stigma and to break the silence about AIDS.They encourage those with HIV/AIDS to"come out"to publicize the disease. While these doctors,officials,and journalists invoke the rubric of"care"to conduct their work,the effects are to use these individuals'public coming out stories to make them wear the sign of excess and thereby try to normal- ize non-HIV-positive citizens.Thus,the dominant discourse has already colonized the meanings of liberation that adhere in the ability to name one- self with a stigmatized identity. Those who feel oppressed by this exploitative pastoral care have devel- oped a reverse discourse.2 In this reverse discourse,those infected with the disease have not turned a pathologizing medical discourse around to refer in an affirmative manner to themselves,but rather have created a negative language that provides the basis for their critique of power in the speech- acts of disclosure.3 This essay highlights the need to pay close attention to the specific historical,political,and cultural contexts in which struggles over language,power,and identity take place.Not all coming out stories can be equated with liberation or with countering the power of the dominant. On the other hand,the research on which this essay is based clearly dem- onstrates that the language of the dominant is always subject to subversive reappropriation.To some extent,those who are HIV-positive turn language back on the power that constructs their identity for them. My interest in the issue of HIV/AIDS arose when I became active in the lesbian and gay movement in China.I began by facilitating safe-sex train- ing sessions in Beijing in the late rggos.To my surprise,I could hardly find any publications about AIDS in the bookstores.Slowly thereafter,AIDS information and activism in China began to emerge on Web sites,radio pro- grams,and publications.Turning my activism into research,I,too,began Published by Duke University Press

positions 18:2 Fall 2010 512 The literature on lesbian and gay identities tends to emphasize a process whereby marginalized subjects embrace a dominant negative language about themselves and rework its meaning into a positive valence. “Coming out” becomes a positive means to challenge heteronormativity. In contrast, with the social and discursive construction of HIV/AIDS identities in China, public health officials and journalists— elites with the power to construct a dominant definition of the disease— tend to use language that has a positive valence to represent their awareness of the need to fight against AIDS stigma and to break the silence about AIDS. They encourage those with HIV/AIDS to “come out” to publicize the disease. While these doctors, officials, and journalists invoke the rubric of “care” to conduct their work, the effects are to use these individuals’ public coming out stories to make them wear the sign of excess and thereby try to normalize non-HIV-positive citizens. Thus, the dominant discourse has already colonized the meanings of liberation that adhere in the ability to name oneself with a stigmatized identity. Those who feel oppressed by this exploitative pastoral care have developed a reverse discourse.2 In this reverse discourse, those infected with the disease have not turned a pathologizing medical discourse around to refer in an affirmative manner to themselves, but rather have created a negative language that provides the basis for their critique of power in the speechacts of disclosure.3 This essay highlights the need to pay close attention to the specific historical, political, and cultural contexts in which struggles over language, power, and identity take place. Not all coming out stories can be equated with liberation or with countering the power of the dominant. On the other hand, the research on which this essay is based clearly demonstrates that the language of the dominant is always subject to subversive reappropriation. To some extent, those who are HIV-positive turn language back on the power that constructs their identity for them. My interest in the issue of HIV/AIDS arose when I became active in the lesbian and gay movement in China.4 I began by facilitating safe-sex training sessions in Beijing in the late 1990s. To my surprise, I could hardly find any publications about AIDS in the bookstores. Slowly thereafter, AIDS information and activism in China began to emerge on Web sites, radio programs, and publications.5 Turning my activism into research, I, too, began positions Published by Duke University Press

positions He and Rofel I Living with HIV/AIDS in China 513 to change.Whereas I first thought of AIDS predominantly in relation to government policies,I came to see that an"AIDS discourse"regulates social practice.I came to realize that the AIDS epidemic is both a physical disease that damages the human immune system and a social virus that stigmatizes people who have the infection.This essay thus builds on the pathbreaking work of Paula Treichler who,early into the AIDS epidemic,argued that the very nature of AIDS is constructed through language.Treichler traced the epidemic of contradictory meanings in AIDS discourses that made it into a"gay disease"and shaped the scientific research and knowledge about the etiology of and cure for AIDS.In following Treichler's inspiring work,this essay focuses on how HIV/AIDS itself has been made into an identity in China that has been utilized to normalize citizens. This AIDS discourse derives primarily from medical professionals'and the media's representations.Doctors'medical training tends to lead them to examine the physical suffering but to overlook the social meaning of dis- eases.?Media representations often pursue graphic images and stories of dying patients,engendering fear of and discrimination against people liv- ing with the disease.However,we should not remain content with a mere deconstruction of expert discourses or media images.Rather,it is crucial to learn how the epidemic is lived and experienced.This kind of experien- tial understanding of the epidemic can provide better AIDS knowledge for those attempting to eradicate the disease.My study of AIDS is motivated by this activist purpose. Between August 2002 and October 2003,I was in China interviewing infected people.s Initially,I had assumed that my previous experience in gov- ernmental and activist work on LGBT and AIDS health in China would enable me to reach people willing to share their stories with me.It turned out,however,that access to infected people was extremely difficult.At the time,AIDS was still a politically sensitive issue,as the government was trying to cover up the news that thousands of farmers in Henan province had con- tracted HIV through selling blood to blood stations with inadequate safety precautions.AIDS activists Dr.Gao Yaojie,Wan Yanhai,and Chung To were either arrested or surveilled by state officials for exposing this situation. On the one hand,there was an official gaze to stop the AIDS issue becoming a political scandal;on the other,there was AIDS stigma,which Published by Duke University Press

He and Rofel ❘ Living with HIV/AIDS in China 513 to change. Whereas I first thought of AIDS predominantly in relation to government policies, I came to see that an “AIDS discourse” regulates social practice. I came to realize that the AIDS epidemic is both a physical disease that damages the human immune system and a social virus that stigmatizes people who have the infection. This essay thus builds on the pathbreaking work of Paula Treichler who, early into the AIDS epidemic, argued that the very nature of AIDS is constructed through language. Treichler traced the epidemic of contradictory meanings in AIDS discourses that made it into a “gay disease” and shaped the scientific research and knowledge about the etiology of and cure for AIDS.6 In following Treichler’s inspiring work, this essay focuses on how HIV/AIDS itself has been made into an identity in China that has been utilized to normalize citizens. This AIDS discourse derives primarily from medical professionals’ and the media’s representations. Doctors’ medical training tends to lead them to examine the physical suffering but to overlook the social meaning of diseases.7 Media representations often pursue graphic images and stories of dying patients, engendering fear of and discrimination against people living with the disease. However, we should not remain content with a mere deconstruction of expert discourses or media images. Rather, it is crucial to learn how the epidemic is lived and experienced. This kind of experiential understanding of the epidemic can provide better AIDS knowledge for those attempting to eradicate the disease. My study of AIDS is motivated by this activist purpose. Between August 2002 and October 2003, I was in China interviewing infected people.8 Initially, I had assumed that my previous experience in governmental and activist work on LGBT and AIDS health in China would enable me to reach people willing to share their stories with me. It turned out, however, that access to infected people was extremely difficult. At the time, AIDS was still a politically sensitive issue, as the government was trying to cover up the news that thousands of farmers in Henan province had contracted HIV through selling blood to blood stations with inadequate safety precautions.9 AIDS activists Dr. Gao Yaojie, Wan Yanhai, and Chung To were either arrested or surveilled by state officials for exposing this situation. On the one hand, there was an official gaze to stop the AIDS issue becoming a political scandal; on the other, there was AIDS stigma, which positions Published by Duke University Press

positions positions 18:2 Fall 2010 514 made infected people cautious about disclosing themselves.As a researcher and a student from a Western-based university,I was viewed with suspicion by both officials and people with HIV infection.For about two months I failed to find a single informant.A close friend who is both gay and an AIDS activist even suggested that I change my research topic. I finally learned that an organization for HIV-positive people existed.It is called Mangrove.Sponsored by the Ford Foundation,Mangrove started in 2002 as an informal self-support group run by HIV-positive people.I reached this organization by becoming a representative of the International HIV/AIDS Alliance,for whom I was doing consultation work at the time. Having access to this group gave me the rare opportunity to meet many AIDS activists,who are the main informants for my research.Through attending the meetings I met many infected people.I had the opportunity to explain my research.Most of the infected people at these meetings were supportive.Not only did many of them agree to be interviewed,but they also invited me into their homes.Through one year of fieldwork,I con- ducted eighteen interviews (one to three hours each),two group discussions, and three participant-observations at people's houses and detox centers,for which I stayed from two to four days.All quotes in this article come from those interviews and discussions. What is most striking in listening to infected people's stories is their emphasis on the importance of language use.Stuart Hall has argued that language is the privileged medium in which we make sense of things,that language is central because meanings have real,practical effects in the world.0 By exploring the different usages of language among infected peo- ple,doctors,and the media,this essay explores how differently positioned people represent the experiences of living with HIV in China. This essay argues first that different language use represents different interests and experiences.There are language differences between infected people and public health officials and media in describing and disclosing HIV status.Public health officials and journalists tend to use language that has positive valence to represent their eagerness to break the AIDS silence. Infected people,by contrast,use language with negative valence to high- light how the disclosure process encouraged by these officials and journal- ists comes at the price of sacrificing themselves.Their negative language Published by Duke University Press

positions 18:2 Fall 2010 514 made infected people cautious about disclosing themselves. As a researcher and a student from a Western-based university, I was viewed with suspicion by both officials and people with HIV infection. For about two months I failed to find a single informant. A close friend who is both gay and an AIDS activist even suggested that I change my research topic. I finally learned that an organization for HIV-positive people existed. It is called Mangrove. Sponsored by the Ford Foundation, Mangrove started in 2002 as an informal self-support group run by HIV-positive people. I reached this organization by becoming a representative of the International HIV/AIDS Alliance, for whom I was doing consultation work at the time. Having access to this group gave me the rare opportunity to meet many AIDS activists, who are the main informants for my research. Through attending the meetings I met many infected people. I had the opportunity to explain my research. Most of the infected people at these meetings were supportive. Not only did many of them agree to be interviewed, but they also invited me into their homes. Through one year of fieldwork, I conducted eighteen interviews (one to three hours each), two group discussions, and three participant-observations at people’s houses and detox centers, for which I stayed from two to four days. All quotes in this article come from those interviews and discussions. What is most striking in listening to infected people’s stories is their emphasis on the importance of language use. Stuart Hall has argued that language is the privileged medium in which we make sense of things, that language is central because meanings have real, practical effects in the world.10 By exploring the different usages of language among infected people, doctors, and the media, this essay explores how differently positioned people represent the experiences of living with HIV in China. This essay argues first that different language use represents different interests and experiences. There are language differences between infected people and public health officials and media in describing and disclosing HIV status. Public health officials and journalists tend to use language that has positive valence to represent their eagerness to break the AIDS silence. Infected people, by contrast, use language with negative valence to highlight how the disclosure process encouraged by these officials and journalists comes at the price of sacrificing themselves. Their negative language positions Published by Duke University Press

positions He and Rofel I Living with HIV/AIDS in China 515 not only represents experiences of depression resulting from disclosure,but also shows that infected people cannot be completely victimized.Instead, they are capable of developing the negative language tactically to challenge power. The second argument is that the tactics of language use in relation to HIV disclosure reveal the power struggles in the disclosure process.Even if infected people are not fully taken in by the ruse of power,as evidenced by their employment of negatively valenced terms in representing their own experiences,the very disclosure process forces infected people to wear a sign of the disease-or,more accurately,to become a sign of the disease in their very personhood.This effect has led them to turn the AIDS epidemic into an identity.This identity,however,is not one they construct for themselves out of their own views and feelings,but one that others construct for them. Finally,utilizing positively valenced language to encourage infected peo- ple to disclose their HIV-positive status shows how language is a cultural and social practice.This positively valenced promotion of disclosure sets up infected people as exemplars in order to discipline certain behaviors and to regulate the social order.In other words,the disclosure process is one key strategy to create a"normal"society.Following Foucault's arguments in Dis- cipline and Punish,one can see that in China,disciplinary techniques often operate through "the model,"a mode of normalizing honed under social- ism.There were model operas,model workers,model neighborhoods,and so on.In their positive rendition,models were lionized through ceremonies and media representations and model plaques were hung on their homes, buildings,and persons.In their negative rendition,they were also lionized through public criticism sessions,media representations,and plaques or hats they had to wear with their political crimes written on them. Language Power With regard to the disclosure of one's HIV status,there are significant varia- tions in the use of terms:to come out(shanchulai),to push out (tuichulai),to tell (gaosu),and to expose(baolou).These different idioms are used to describe the action that reveals one's HIV-positive status,either through the infected person's intentional disclosure or through a third party's exposure.Infected Published by Duke University Press

He and Rofel ❘ Living with HIV/AIDS in China 515 not only represents experiences of depression resulting from disclosure, but also shows that infected people cannot be completely victimized. Instead, they are capable of developing the negative language tactically to challenge power. The second argument is that the tactics of language use in relation to HIV disclosure reveal the power struggles in the disclosure process. Even if infected people are not fully taken in by the ruse of power, as evidenced by their employment of negatively valenced terms in representing their own experiences, the very disclosure process forces infected people to wear a sign of the disease— or, more accurately, to become a sign of the disease in their very personhood. This effect has led them to turn the AIDS epidemic into an identity. This identity, however, is not one they construct for themselves out of their own views and feelings, but one that others construct for them. Finally, utilizing positively valenced language to encourage infected people to disclose their HIV-positive status shows how language is a cultural and social practice. This positively valenced promotion of disclosure sets up infected people as exemplars in order to discipline certain behaviors and to regulate the social order. In other words, the disclosure process is one key strategy to create a “normal” society. Following Foucault’s arguments in Discipline and Punish, one can see that in China, disciplinary techniques often operate through “the model,” a mode of normalizing honed under socialism.11 There were model operas, model workers, model neighborhoods, and so on. In their positive rendition, models were lionized through ceremonies and media representations and model plaques were hung on their homes, buildings, and persons. In their negative rendition, they were also lionized through public criticism sessions, media representations, and plaques or hats they had to wear with their political crimes written on them. Language Power With regard to the disclosure of one’s HIV status, there are significant variations in the use of terms: to come out (zhanchulai), to push out (tuichulai), to tell (gaosu), and to expose (baolou). These different idioms are used to describe the action that reveals one’s HIV-positive status, either through the infected person’s intentional disclosure or through a third party’s exposure. Infected positions Published by Duke University Press

positions positions 18:2 Fall 2010 516 people have developed the language "to expose"to describe the situation where one's HIV status is disclosed to other people,either to family members, friends,colleagues,or to public media,either voluntarily or under duress.In contrast,public health and media discourse use "to come out"to describe the same situation.These differential language usages are significant because they represent positive or negative experiences behind the disclosure. To Come Out or to Be Pushed Out Fan Gao is a young man from Daytop,a detox center located in Kunming, the capital city of Yunnan province.Due to severe drug use in the province, the government set up many compulsory detox centers run by police.Day- top is different;it is a copy of the American model,a voluntary center run by former drug users. I first learned Fan's story at an AIDS meeting from a detox center staff member,Mr.Yu,who told me that Fan,who had trained as a painter at a university,disclosed his HIV-positive status in his home town and his father threw him out of the house.Fan had just been transferred from a police detox center to Daytop.Later,the Daytop staff told me that in Daytop there were many people infected with HIV,but Fan was the only one who had disclosed his HIV status.I told Yu about my research and he agreed to introduce me to Fan.I went to Daytop in November,2003 and stayed for a few days as an inmate;interacted with the residents,all of whom are ex-drug users there for detoxification;and interviewed Fan. Daytop occupies a five-story building located in the city center.People come to Daytop voluntarily.They pay three thousand yuan for the first month and reduced fees thereafter.Those who live there for a number of years are allowed to work as staff,receiving subsidies instead of salaries.All the staff at Daytop-doctors,nurses,managers,the chef,and porters-are former drug users,except for the director of the center,who is designated by the government. When I arrived at Daytop,Yu asked another staff member to take me to the residency area,located on the third through fifth floors.The entrance is strictly guarded.I was asked to leave all my personal belongings at the reception desk and then the iron gate was locked behind me.I became an Published by Duke University Press

positions 18:2 Fall 2010 516 people have developed the language “to expose” to describe the situation where one’s HIV status is disclosed to other people, either to family members, friends, colleagues, or to public media, either voluntarily or under duress. In contrast, public health and media discourse use “to come out” to describe the same situation. These differential language usages are significant because they represent positive or negative experiences behind the disclosure. To Come Out or to Be Pushed Out Fan Gao is a young man from Daytop, a detox center located in Kunming, the capital city of Yunnan province. Due to severe drug use in the province, the government set up many compulsory detox centers run by police. Daytop is different; it is a copy of the American model, a voluntary center run by former drug users. I first learned Fan’s story at an AIDS meeting from a detox center staff member, Mr. Yu, who told me that Fan, who had trained as a painter at a university, disclosed his HIV-positive status in his home town and his father threw him out of the house. Fan had just been transferred from a police detox center to Daytop. Later, the Daytop staff told me that in Daytop there were many people infected with HIV, but Fan was the only one who had disclosed his HIV status. I told Yu about my research and he agreed to introduce me to Fan. I went to Daytop in November, 2003 and stayed for a few days as an inmate; interacted with the residents, all of whom are ex-drug users there for detoxification; and interviewed Fan. Daytop occupies a five-story building located in the city center. People come to Daytop voluntarily. They pay three thousand yuan for the first month and reduced fees thereafter. Those who live there for a number of years are allowed to work as staff, receiving subsidies instead of salaries. All the staff at Daytop—doctors, nurses, managers, the chef, and porters—are former drug users, except for the director of the center, who is designated by the government. When I arrived at Daytop, Yu asked another staff member to take me to the residency area, located on the third through fifth floors. The entrance is strictly guarded. I was asked to leave all my personal belongings at the reception desk and then the iron gate was locked behind me. I became an positions Published by Duke University Press

positions He and Rofel I Living with HIV/AIDS in China 517 inmate of Daytop.A staff member introduced the rules and led me to a dormitory I would share with two women.I engaged in all the activities in which residents were engaged.The first person to speak to me was a young man who asked:"Do you think that we could really stop using drugs?" At that first moment I thought I could pass myself off as an ex-drug user. That imagination was soon shattered.Another young man chatted with me,asking why I was here.I responded,"Don't I look like everyone here?" He replied immediately,"Certainly not.You are fat,red faced,and old." Indeed when I looked at the residents,people were much younger,paler, and thinner.So I thought I had better"come out"as a researcher and stop pretending to be an inmate. It was arranged that I would sit with four young men at a dinner table. They were all in their early twenties,except one man who looked to be in his thirties.He turned out to be Fan Gao,as I learnt when we introduced ourselves at the table.During the next days I spent most of my time chatting with Fan.I told him about my research and he accepted my request for an interview.He told me his journey of"coming out": The first time I came out(shanchulai)was through the Center for Dis- ease Control(CDC).They needed this kind of person to show how much work they have done.They persuaded me.At the time,I thought,I am dying anyway;it's better to do something practical,something good,and to encourage other people....In the CDC,there was a doctor,Dr.Chen, he showed me these propaganda materials,and began to persuade me, telling me "don't be afraid,even though this disease cannot be cured, it is controllable.Keep healthy,maintain good nutrition,and don't take drugs."This knowledge is from him.So,later,he supported me and told me "be brave and come out!"Ha,ha,that was encouraging....I began to give speeches at schools,CDCs,and detox centers in the county. From Fan's account,it is clear that to come out was not his initiative.Nei- ther was it his language.Rather,it was the doctor's initiative and language, who used these positive terms"to come out"and "to be brave"to persuade Fan to disclose his HIV status to the public.Fan might have foreseen certain consequences of the disclosure,but he may not have even been prepared to live long enough to see the consequences.Fan quickly began to experience Published by Duke University Press

He and Rofel ❘ Living with HIV/AIDS in China 517 inmate of Daytop. A staff member introduced the rules and led me to a dormitory I would share with two women. I engaged in all the activities in which residents were engaged. The first person to speak to me was a young man who asked: “Do you think that we could really stop using drugs?” At that first moment I thought I could pass myself off as an ex-drug user. That imagination was soon shattered. Another young man chatted with me, asking why I was here. I responded, “Don’t I look like everyone here?” He replied immediately, “Certainly not. You are fat, red faced, and old.” Indeed when I looked at the residents, people were much younger, paler, and thinner. So I thought I had better “come out” as a researcher and stop pretending to be an inmate. It was arranged that I would sit with four young men at a dinner table. They were all in their early twenties, except one man who looked to be in his thirties. He turned out to be Fan Gao, as I learnt when we introduced ourselves at the table. During the next days I spent most of my time chatting with Fan. I told him about my research and he accepted my request for an interview. He told me his journey of “coming out”: The first time I came out (zhanchulai) was through the Center for Disease Control (CDC). They needed this kind of person to show how much work they have done. They persuaded me. At the time, I thought, I am dying anyway; it’s better to do something practical, something good, and to encourage other people. . . . In the CDC, there was a doctor, Dr. Chen, he showed me these propaganda materials, and began to persuade me, telling me “don’t be afraid, even though this disease cannot be cured, it is controllable. Keep healthy, maintain good nutrition, and don’t take drugs.” This knowledge is from him. So, later, he supported me and told me “be brave and come out!” Ha, ha, that was encouraging. . . . I began to give speeches at schools, CDCs, and detox centers in the county. From Fan’s account, it is clear that to come out was not his initiative. Neither was it his language. Rather, it was the doctor’s initiative and language, who used these positive terms “to come out” and “to be brave” to persuade Fan to disclose his HIV status to the public. Fan might have foreseen certain consequences of the disclosure, but he may not have even been prepared to live long enough to see the consequences. Fan quickly began to experience positions Published by Duke University Press

positions positions 18:2 Fall 2010 518 the hardship of disclosure.His language subsequently changed:"Step by step,I went out of my county.They used (liyong)me to go to other counties and districts to give speeches and to do social propaganda.I was pushed out (tuichulai).” Replacing the idiom of to come out with to use and to be pushed out,Fan changed his language usage,reflecting what he had suffered as a result of disclosure:extreme family rejection,being kicked out of his home,loss of a place to live,loss of social support,and lonely abandonment.Fan could not feel the positive meaning of the idioms to be brave and to come out.Rather the negative connotations of to be used and to be pushed out more accurately capture his experiences.Nonetheless,the process of disclosure continued for Fan,for his speeches were made into VCDs.He began to feel controlled by this process of disclosure.Accordingly,his use of terms changed: My identity was exposed through providing VCDs to schools,govern- ment offices,organizations....these VCDs were sent everywhere,even worldwide.The Nanjing TV station has the copyright with the copyright number and everything.They send it all over the place as a health edu- cation program.Later on I could not accept the reality of it....I felt I could not bear it.I think anyone in my position would not bear it.There was no way for me to survive.My family and close relatives were unable to accept it. To be used and to push out were replaced by to be exposed (baolou)."Baolou" means to expose or unmask,with related definitions of bringing out the "true story,"with the connotation of divulging an identity to public notice or revealing a problem.2 All the various meanings of to expose have nega- tive connotations.To expose implicitly means to cause survival problems. Indeed,Fan experienced extreme family rejection.He felt his life was at an impasse: Of course,because of this I suffered a lot and was harassed a lot... including by my father.When I went back to my father's house,he did not talk to me,nor dare to stay around me.He threw me out of the house. So did my sister and brother in-law...It was my sister who called [the policel and asked them to arrest me.Ha,ha,ha...She disliked me. Published by Duke University Press

positions 18:2 Fall 2010 518 the hardship of disclosure. His language subsequently changed: “Step by step, I went out of my county. They used (liyong) me to go to other counties and districts to give speeches and to do social propaganda. I was pushed out (tuichulai).” Replacing the idiom of to come out with to use and to be pushed out, Fan changed his language usage, reflecting what he had suffered as a result of disclosure: extreme family rejection, being kicked out of his home, loss of a place to live, loss of social support, and lonely abandonment. Fan could not feel the positive meaning of the idioms to be brave and to come out. Rather the negative connotations of to be used and to be pushed out more accurately capture his experiences. Nonetheless, the process of disclosure continued for Fan, for his speeches were made into VCDs. He began to feel controlled by this process of disclosure. Accordingly, his use of terms changed: My identity was exposed through providing VCDs to schools, government offices, organizations. . . . these VCDs were sent everywhere, even worldwide. The Nanjing TV station has the copyright with the copyright number and everything. They send it all over the place as a health education program. Later on I could not accept the reality of it. . . . I felt I could not bear it. I think anyone in my position would not bear it. There was no way for me to survive. My family and close relatives were unable to accept it. To be used and to push out were replaced by to be exposed (baolou). “Baolou” means to expose or unmask, with related definitions of bringing out the “true story,” with the connotation of divulging an identity to public notice or revealing a problem.12 All the various meanings of to expose have negative connotations. To expose implicitly means to cause survival problems. Indeed, Fan experienced extreme family rejection. He felt his life was at an impasse: Of course, because of this I suffered a lot and was harassed a lot . . . including by my father. When I went back to my father’s house, he did not talk to me, nor dare to stay around me. He threw me out of the house. So did my sister and brother in-law . . . It was my sister who called [the police] and asked them to arrest me. Ha, ha, ha . . . She disliked me. positions Published by Duke University Press

positions He and Rofel I Living with HIV/AIDS in China 519 Of course taking drugs should be disliked,it should not be welcomed. But I could only turn to drugs to solve my own problem,to escape from reality...My mother also moved out of the city in order to avoid me. Of course I broke her heart before this,but she also could not accept my reality...not that I am sick,just that I am infected. His family actually could put up with him when he was a drug user,but would not accept him when he was exposed as HIV-positive. To Come Out or to Be Exposed Fan was not the only one who used the idiom of to be exposed to describe his disclosure and to reflect the negative meanings of it.Many of my infor- mants used the term to be exposed to illustrate what happened in their pro- cess of disclosure.Du Lin and Chun Tao were from Xinjiang and Sichuan provinces,respectively.They used exactly the same term,to be exposed,to describe the disclosure process. I met Du and Chun at an AIDS meeting in Beijing.They understood my research and accepted my invitation to come to my flat for a focus group discussion in December 2002.I interviewed Du individually first and he used to be exposed to describe his experience of how he was informed of his HIV-positive test at home by a group of police,nurses,doctors,and health officials;how these people soon spread the news in his hometown that he was HIV-positive;how he and his family were suddenly isolated and he went into hiding for a few years;how he was harassed by the marriage- registration officials who refused to authorize the referencing letter and showed him the local newspaper report of his HIV-positive case;and how a clinic doctor spoke loudly about his HIV status while many other patients were sitting around.Du called these people"the gang who exposed me." The health professionals,police,nurses,doctors,local authority,and media became a gang,because they exposed Du's HIV-positive status.By using the term "gang,"Du implicitly invoked the history of the"Gang of Four,"who were charged with bringing the political chaos of the Cultural Revolution.He also implied the long history of brigands popularized in classic novels.From Du's explanation,to expose or to be exposed means to Published by Duke University Press

He and Rofel ❘ Living with HIV/AIDS in China 519 Of course taking drugs should be disliked, it should not be welcomed. But I could only turn to drugs to solve my own problem, to escape from reality . . . My mother also moved out of the city in order to avoid me. Of course I broke her heart before this, but she also could not accept my reality . . . not that I am sick, just that I am infected. His family actually could put up with him when he was a drug user, but would not accept him when he was exposed as HIV-positive. To Come Out or to Be Exposed Fan was not the only one who used the idiom of to be exposed to describe his disclosure and to reflect the negative meanings of it. Many of my informants used the term to be exposed to illustrate what happened in their process of disclosure. Du Lin and Chun Tao were from Xinjiang and Sichuan provinces, respectively. They used exactly the same term, to be exposed, to describe the disclosure process. I met Du and Chun at an AIDS meeting in Beijing. They understood my research and accepted my invitation to come to my flat for a focus group discussion in December 2002. I interviewed Du individually first and he used to be exposed to describe his experience of how he was informed of his HIV-positive test at home by a group of police, nurses, doctors, and health officials; how these people soon spread the news in his hometown that he was HIV-positive; how he and his family were suddenly isolated and he went into hiding for a few years; how he was harassed by the marriageregistration officials who refused to authorize the referencing letter and showed him the local newspaper report of his HIV-positive case; and how a clinic doctor spoke loudly about his HIV status while many other patients were sitting around. Du called these people “the gang who exposed me.” The health professionals, police, nurses, doctors, local authority, and media became a gang, because they exposed Du’s HIV-positive status. By using the term “gang,” Du implicitly invoked the history of the “Gang of Four,” who were charged with bringing the political chaos of the Cultural Revolution. He also implied the long history of brigands popularized in classic novels. From Du’s explanation, to expose or to be exposed means to positions Published by Duke University Press

positions positions 18:2 Fall 2010 520 spread HIV-positive cases to the public,to report it in the newspaper,to invite public anxiety,and to violate the right of infected people to get mar- ried.To expose,then,created negative effects in Du's life. To Expose as Care In the focus group discussion,Du also talked about the care (guanhuai) project in his home town: There is nothing specific that needs special care.No need.Why not?It is not working.Why not?You care about this,care about that,shit!This is not help!Others initially do not know [about people's infection statusl. Then you come to care,shit!Everyone knows now.Even if you do not say he is sick,just say he is a healthy one.Today this organization comes, tomorrow that organization comes.Even if he has nothing,it will become something.Other people certainly will suspect...Do you know what infected people say?Patients do not need care. Some health professionals working on AIDS projects have designed care projects that involve paying visits to infected peoples'houses.These experts sometimes distribute health information,medicines,nutrition,and food to infected people.Although these materials were much needed,the visiting caused an acute problem:exposing the infected people.The so-called"care project"was not care in the eyes of infected people.Rather they felt exposed. The visits can cause neighbors'distrust and gossip.This gossip,in turn, can lead to the shaming of the infected person's entire family.So Du said infected people do not need care.Care becomes to be exposed. Chun joined us later for the group discussion.She did not know what Du had said about care in his hometown,and I wanted to know if Chun also considered care to mean to be exposed.So I asked Chun if she could imagine why infected people do not need to be cared for.Chun asked,"Who said that?"Du said it happened in his hometown.Chun said,"That was just because they were afraid of being exposed."Du carried on:"Exactly! This organization comes to care once,that organization comes to care once. When they come to my house often,certainly I have a problem.No problem becomes a problem!”' Published by Duke University Press

positions 18:2 Fall 2010 520 spread HIV-positive cases to the public, to report it in the newspaper, to invite public anxiety, and to violate the right of infected people to get married. To expose, then, created negative effects in Du’s life. To Expose as Care In the focus group discussion, Du also talked about the care ( guanhuai) project in his home town: There is nothing specific that needs special care. No need. Why not? It is not working. Why not? You care about this, care about that, shit! This is not help! Others initially do not know [about people’s infection status]. Then you come to care, shit! Everyone knows now. Even if you do not say he is sick, just say he is a healthy one. Today this organization comes, tomorrow that organization comes. Even if he has nothing, it will become something. Other people certainly will suspect . . . Do you know what infected people say? Patients do not need care. Some health professionals working on AIDS projects have designed care projects that involve paying visits to infected peoples’ houses. These experts sometimes distribute health information, medicines, nutrition, and food to infected people. Although these materials were much needed, the visiting caused an acute problem: exposing the infected people. The so-called “care project” was not care in the eyes of infected people. Rather they felt exposed. The visits can cause neighbors’ distrust and gossip. This gossip, in turn, can lead to the shaming of the infected person’s entire family. So Du said infected people do not need care. Care becomes to be exposed. Chun joined us later for the group discussion. She did not know what Du had said about care in his hometown, and I wanted to know if Chun also considered care to mean to be exposed. So I asked Chun if she could imagine why infected people do not need to be cared for. Chun asked, “Who said that?” Du said it happened in his hometown. Chun said, “That was just because they were afraid of being exposed.” Du carried on: “Exactly! This organization comes to care once, that organization comes to care once. When they come to my house often, certainly I have a problem. No problem becomes a problem!” positions Published by Duke University Press

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